Thursday, 18 December 2014

Mum's Perspective: What I've Learned From Living With Animals

See point 4.

  1. An anxious dog is the most destructive force in nature.
  2. When an animal walks on a human, the paw standing on the most sensitive part will hold the entire animal's weight plus thirty percent.
  3. Animals may nap for most of the day, but they do not believe in allowing a human to nap.
  4. The instant a human vacates a seat, an animal will take it, before the human returns.
  5. It is impossible to move a bull terrier who decides she doesn't want to go.
  6. When you lie down with animals, you get woken early.
  7. When you die, your cat will eat you to avoid starvation.  In fact, if you haven't died, but his stinky fish is 5 minutes late, your cat will try to eat you to avoid starvation.
  8. Grocery bags must be sniffed, to identify the ones with treats in them.
  9. Animals are always only one snack away from starvation.
  10. An animal alarm clock has no snooze button.
  11. A cat grooming a human is never a comfortable experience.
  12. Animals can make you feel guilty for leaving them to buy animal food.
  13. You may think you've seen every possible place for an animal to puke - there's always another, more creative, one.
  14. Animals do not think they are human. They think they are superior to humans.
  15. Animals will leave their toys in places you are certain the animals could not actually get into. 
  16. Your big brave guard dog, will always feel prefer to guard you from safely behind you.
  17. A 16kg bull terrier who believes she is a lap dog, is very awkward to handle.
  18. Animals do not know when they are full. If allowed to do so, they will eat double their own bodyweight in a day and still believe they are hungry.
  19. Animals always want to be on the other side of any  closed door.
  20. Animals are like children, they will frustrate you, annoy you, surprise you, entertain you, teach you and learn from you, and enrich your life in ways you never expected. They will become a vital part of your life.

Monday, 15 December 2014

The Indignity Of It!

Being sprayed is just undignified.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I know it's paralysis tick season.

I know that it's absolutely necessary to protect Fanta and me from ticks.  I've had a tick before, and I couldn't move my back legs.  I only just got to the vet in time, while I could still move my lungs and things to stay alive.

On the other hand, I think the whole business of being sprayed with horrible poisonous spray is just undignified.  I'm all wet, just about everywhere.  And cleaning myself up is horrible, because this stuff is so yukky.

I think this is just the wrong way around.

I shouldn't be punished for not wanting ticks.  Ticks should be punished for being evil, criminal, terrorist insects.

We should get the air force involved, and bomb their homes, or the police tact-tick-al response team to go in and arrest them, or send in the SAS to do what the SAS does to Australia's enemies.  Something should be done, to prevent ticks from existing, and from biting innocent cats.

Then it would be possible for respectable feline citizens to go about our business without fear of unexpected attacks, and without having to be sprayed with horrible toxic material.

Well, that's my opinion.  And my opinion's always right.

Excuse me while I go and finish repairing my hairstyle.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Slightly uncomfortable and dishevelled,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Friday, 12 December 2014

Why My Naps are Most Important

My naps are sacrosanct.
Never disturb a sleeping cat.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Mum complained today, because I woke her up from a nap, asking for my stinky fish.  She said, "You animals won't let me sleep at night, you should at least let me have my nap during the day. After all, you get to nap all day."

I admit that Fanta does wake Mum up a lot at night.  She has nightmares and things, which are very annoying.  One night, she got up and started growling at the bedroom door, and wouldn't settle down until Mum took her around the house, turning on all the lights, to prove it was safe. So Fanta is the kind of nuisance dog who messes up Mum's night-time sleep.

Of course, I walk over Mum from time to time while she's sleeping, or meow in her ear, or scratch her, or knock things off the dressing table. But I always have exceptionally good reasons to do so. Besides which, I am the cat, and no-one can object to anything the cat does, ever.

Fanta's not bad at napping, either.
As for daytime naps, well, yes, I am very good at them.  You must know that I have at least 437 naps per day, and every single one of them is incredibly important. That's why the Feline Code says: "Never disturb a sleeping cat."

I do have to admit, however, Fanta's quite good at napping, too. She may have a hundred or so fewer naps than me, but she seems to be able to nap anywhere and in any conditions. She can also snore far more impressively than me. Maybe she naps so well because her nightmares keep her awake at night. She may not be as good a napper as me, but at least she's in the competition.

Mum usually only has one or two naps per day.  With her lupus, and being woken up at night by someone-or-other, she seems to get tired during the day.  She's nowhere near as good at napping as we are.  That's why I think it's fine to wake her up from her nap.  If we let her think she's competing with us, she's going to be disappointed when she finds out she's lost.  So when you think about it, I'm actually doing her a favour when I wake her up from her afternoon nap and tell her to give me stinky fish.

So I was doing her a favour today, but she didn't say:  "Thank you, oh lovely Mr Bumpy, I am forever indebted to you, and will always do everything and anything you want." Oh, no. Instead she complained!

Humans!  No matter what you do for them, they also seem to complain!  Sometimes I wonder why I bother keeping them as pets. When they invent a can opener that cats can operate, I'm going to send them to the shelter Fanta came from. I might send Fanta back as well, because I don't really need a doggy sister, either.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Champion Napper.

Related post: The Feline Code

Thursday, 11 December 2014


Mine is a pirate skull and
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Whenever the humans go out to the shops, they usually get things for Fanta and me.  In fact, Fanta's been known to stick her nose in the shopping bags looking or her present.  She usually gets a new squeaky toy.  I prefer to get jingle balls or treats.

Well, yesterday, Mum and Mr 20 brought us back a different type of present.  We got jewelry.

I have a new, very masculine collar tag.  It's a Jolly Roger - a skull and crossbones.  It's black and white like me, and very stylish.

Fanta's is far more girly.  She has a sparkly red paw print, with a red heart as part of the paw print.

I'm quite proud of mine, but Fanta was really excited about hers.  When Mr 20 took her collar to put the tag on it, she stayed right beside him, staring at the collar and the sparkly, and after he put it on her, she stayed cuddled up to him for hours and hours.

Our tags aren't just jewelry, however.  Even though they quite stylish,they also have a practical purpose.  They have our names and phone numbers engraved on the back.

Fanta's is a sparkly red paw print,
with a heart in it.
We already had our council tags and our microchips to say who we are, but Mum says she likes to have all her bases covered.

She had just read about a friend  of hers on Facebook whose Staffordshire Bull Terrier went missing, and a Staffy Mum owned years ago had disappeared, as well. She said she doesn't want either of us to go missing, ever.  But just in case we did get lost for some reason, she wants to make sure there's every chance of getting us home safely.   So now we have microchips, council tags and identity jewelry.  Maybe it's a bit overboard, but I guess it does show that our humans really do care about us.

I've been thinking about this since yesterday, and I've realized something.  None of the humans have microchips.  None of them have council tags. And none of them have any identity jewelry. Their pretty things are just pretty things. So if any of our humans ever went missing, no-one would be able to find them and send them home to us.

I mentioned this to Fanta, and of course, being the scaredy dog she is, she has been constantly checking on the humans, and panicking if they are out of sight for even a little while.

I can see why I need all those things, when the humans don't, because I'm the most important member of the family.  It would be a disaster if I ever went missing.  I don't know why Fanta needs them all, though.  She's just a dog. If she went missing, it wouldn't bother me at all.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Very, very important,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Christmas Spirit, With Strings Attached

The bed is all mine!
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Mum says that for Christmas I ought to try to be nice to my "little sister" Fanta.  Little? Have you seen the size of her? She's at least five times my size.

Anyway, I've decided to try to be nice, as long as Fanta follows certain rules.

Rule one is the bed is all mine.  She should stop sleeping up on Mum's bed, it always used to be mine, and there's no room for a dog in it. There's no room for Mum in it, either, come to think of it.

Rule two is to keep her cold, wet, nose out of my personal space.  She should especially keep it out of my very personal space.

Rule three is she should not lick me again.  Getting dog slobber out of my beautiful hair is a horrible job.

Rule four, she should distract the humans while I run away on flea and tick spraying day.

The humans are supposed to be mine, too.
Rule five, I had the humans first, and they're still mine.  I get to choose which lap to sit on and Fanta can have the one that's leftover.

She does not get first choice of humans.

Well, if she learns to follow all of my rules, and any others I think of between now and Christmas, I will try to be nice to her for Christmas, just for that one day, of course, not for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.  That's far too much to expect.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy Cat,
very gracious and accommodating
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Saturday, 29 November 2014

Scaredy Dog

Mum is sitting quietly on the lounge, playing games on the laptop computer.

She hears the animal door pushed open twice in quick succession.

Miss Fantasia taxis full speed down the hall, achieves take-off speed, clips the edge of the coffee table with her paws as she flies across it, touching and destabilizing (but not quite knocking over) the vase of roses.  Her paws skim the top of the empty side of the couch, then she crashes over the arm rest, sticking her paw in Mum's glass, and tumbling into Mum's lap.  Immediately, Fanta, jumps up, throws her front legs around Mum's neck with her rear end on top of Mum's hands and the laptop computer.

Mum: Wha???

Fanta: Mum! Mum! Save me!

Mr Bumpy, close behind Fanta, hurtles through the hall, leaps on the coffee table, and skids on the cloth. The vase of roses rocks ominously, but stays upright. Bumpy does a quadruple somersault, and lands, claws out millimetres short of Mum.

Mum: Bumpy! What did you do to Fanta?

Mr Bumpy regains he poise, and sits on the arm of the lounge in a dignified manner.

Mr Bumpy:  Me? I didn't do anything.

Mr Bumpy: That scaredy-dog is just running away from shadows. I'm completely innocent. And besides, you said she needed some exercise.

Fanta gets off the computer, and off Mum, and moves to the empty side of the lounge.  She lies looking guiltily at the roses, and doesn't say anything.

Mum: It's OK Fanta, it's not broken.

Mr Bumpy: You really shouldn't have got a dog, you know, especially not such a big scaredy-dog.

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

'Tis the Season to be Helpful

"I''m helping assemble a present
for baby Joey."
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

The summer heat has arrived, and that means Christmas is coming.

It's all busy, busy, busy here getting ready for Christmas.

I've been helping the family with Christmas presents and shopping.

Fanta's been flat out as well.

There's so much to do before Santa Claws comes to visit.

And, of course, I'm going to help everyone with everything, whether they want me to or not.  I know that sometimes means the humans think I'm in the way, but they'd mess everything up if I wasn't helping, I just know it.

"Fanta's flat out."

I hope Santa Claws will bring me more jingle balls and some Temptations treats for Christmas.

I have, after all, been a very good cat.

I've only attacked Fanta and the humans when they have deserved it.

Santa Claws should give me everything I want.  Otherwise, I'll probably scratch his face up.

Fanta wants squeaky toys.  Fanta has squeaky toys everywhere.

We are still talking about what we're giving the humans for Christmas. Fanta says they'd like squeaky toys as well.  I don't think so.

I think they're more likely to want cream, and fish.  Well, if I were a human that's what I would want.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Don't Have a Hot Dog

The best part is, I know I'm loved.
Hello Everyone!

I just love my new home and my new family.  It feels like I really belong here. The best part about it is that I know  I'm loved.

Even Mr Bumpy, my catty brother, who tries to act so tough, occasionally gives me a little smooch.

Of course, even being loved, I still have some disappointments.  My humans sometimes have to go out.  At those times, they leave me home.  It's late in spring here, and already it's getting really hot.  They leave me home so I can stay in the air conditioning, because it's too hot for dogs outside during the day. They give me interesting things to chew on while they're away, so I don't get anxious and chew things I shouldn't.

Do you know that some humans don't love their doggies as much as I'm loved?  Some humans take their dogs out and then leave them locked in the car. Those people deserve a good barking at, and even a bite.  Some big, brave, handsome, police dog, should come along and punish them. Doggies can get sick and even die if they're left in hot cars.  Humans who love their doggies should help them keep cool.

My humans are always concerned to keep me cool.  So, even though I'm disappointed that I don't get to go the places they're going, I know my humans do love me.  So I give them lots of cuddles and licks to show them that I understand.

The other disappointment now, is that with the warmer weather, fleas and ticks start to appear.  Because my humans love me, they don't want me to get fleas or, far worse, paralysis ticks. That means Mr Bumpy and I have to be sprayed with yukky smelly stuff every three weeks. The stuff is horrible, it's worse than a bath.  But I co-operate with it (the same as I co-operate with baths) because I know it means my humans love me a lot. They put yukky spray on me, but they do it so bad things won't happen to me.

So even the disappointments are really good after all, they're because my humans love me very, very much.

Lots of licks. Lots of tail wags. No barks (because polite little ladies don't do that).
Bye for now.
Miss Fantasia Dog
(but you can call me Fanta)

Monday, 20 October 2014


It's an uneasy truce, and I still didn't need a doggy sister.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Things have settled down a bit around here.  I've called a truce, sort of, well, maybe more an uncomfortable semi-tolerance with Fanta.

As you know, I would never soften my anti-dog stance.  And I really did not need a sister.

But I have found Fanta has her uses.

She cleans dishes.  She sits and waits while I eat, and then when I walk away from my dish, she cleans up whatever is left over.  I like my Friskies freshly poured, and now Mum can't say, "But there's still Friskies in your bowl." My bowl is always empty, unless I'm currently eating.

She helped me get Mum out of bed this morning.  I went in and jumped on the bed and told Mum I was hungry. Mum did her "just ten more minutes" routine, when Fanta leaped up on the bed. Apparently, when 17kg of flying bull terrier suddenly lands on a human, the human notices.

How to share a lap without
being friends.
So Fanta does have her uses.

But really, the reason I've decided on ceasing, or at least reducing, hostilities, is that I had a night out.

Some of Mum's human friends came to visit the other day.  They brought a dog for a play date with Fanta.  Well, that was too much.

I went upstairs for a while, then I went out, and just didn't come home all night.

At all times of the night I could hear Mum going outside and calling me.  Mum likes to sleep at night, but if I'm out, she doesn't sleep, she worries about me and keeps looking for me.

But then I realised, Mum might be missing out on some sleep, but I bet Fanta wasn't.  Fanta was comfortable, sleeping in Mum's bed, where I could have been if I wasn't stuck outside.  Except, I wasn't really stuck, I was choosing to be outside.  I was outside my house, where I was Overlord, just because I didn't want to be with a dog.

I went and meowed at Mr 20's window, to get him to let me in.

It's my house.  I'm not going to spend all my time stuck up in my cat climbing tree, or outside or hiding, or whatever.  I'm just going to do what I always do and ignore the dog.  And if I can't ignore her, or use her for my purposes at the time, I'll scratch her nose and tell her to get out of my way.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Thursday, 9 October 2014

The Great Cupcake Caper

The Evidence
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I've been vindicated!

I told the humans a dog was not a good idea. Today, I was proved right.

Today Mum had a baking day. She made cupcakes.

Now, I know cupcakes are for humans, and I am not to knock them off the table and eat them. (In fact, if I wanted to eat them, I could get up on the table and eat them anyway, but I wouldn't do that.)

I wouldn't, but Fanta did.

Mum went out to water the plants, and Fanta came out to her carrying a cupcake.  (Dumb dog. She doesn't know that you never carry the evidence to Mum.)

When Mum came back to the kitchen she found empty and half empty cupcake holders all over the floor.

Another crime in progress.
But that's not Fanta's only crime.

Oh no, she was also caught stealing the pillows on Mum's bed.

Now, the rules are that animals are allowed to be on Mum's bed if we leave her the pillows.

And, as with the cupcakes, if I were going to steal Mum's pillows, I'd take care not to get caught.  Fanta, just doesn't get that. She just keeps getting caught.

It's all so funny, watching from up on my cat tower, seeing Fanta getting into trouble.

Sadly, Fanta didn't get into as much trouble as I thought she should.  Mum and Mr 20 both said she was still learning the rules here.

I said, "Mum, this dog you've brought into our house is a compulsive criminal.  You can't trust her. You should send her back to the shelter."

Mum said, "You'll get used to her, and she'll get used to how we do things in our house.  She's been here less than a week."

I never thought I'd see the day when Mum was so nice about someone stealing her cupcakes and her pillows.

How unjust is this? The dog next door barked, and Fanta just sniffed at the fence.  Mum called her a "good little lady" for being quiet when the other dog barked.  She didn't get into much trouble at all for the things she did, and she got praise for what she didn't do (bark)!

It's all just wrong.

But do you know the worst of it? With Fanta being here, I have to share the humans' attention with her.

If you want me, I'll be back up on my cat tower, looking out the window, ignoring my family.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Indignant Feline Overlord.