Wednesday, 18 March 2020

Books for free download

Message from Mum about free books:



For the duration of the COVID-19 crisis, I'm making my books available for free download, in PDF format.  Hopefully, this will help provide some entertainment for people stuck at home.

These are only available free through these links, not through regular online bookshops.

Click on the book Title, or link after the book description, to access the file. 

(Please note, some of these files were not originally intended to be PDFs and may not be formatted well.)

FAMILY BOOKS




Maggie from Maggie's Pie Shop is in a terrible flap! It's almost lunch time and the tomato sauce delivery hasn't arrived! Sherlock, Mycroft and Watson Wallaby, the world's smartest detectives, are on the case. Why hasn't Wally Wombat delivered the sauce? Where is Wally? What are the suspicious red splotches near Ms Dingo's house? Is the chocolate-cherry-caramel-coconut cake really an important clue, or does it just smell like one? Is a meat pie without tomato sauce really a crime anyway? If Watson Wallaby can keep his brothers working on the case, these questions will be answered and the Wallaby Detectives will save lunch





Fred Flamingo has left his lake and his friends to learn how to dance. Will he find someone who can teach him?






A collection of cute and simple poems about a collection of cute and simple pets.


BOOKS FOR GROWN-UPS





Rescuer? Predator? Imaginary childhood friend? Artist's muse? Goddess? Ancient unspeakable evil? All of these and worse? You always knew you didn't imagine that shadow that moved, the thing lurking just outside of your field of view, the items that weren't where you left them. You always knew, but you chose to ignore it, because the alternative was unthinkable. From the slightly warped mind of author Iris Carden, comes a monster who can give you everything you ever wanted, for a price. The catch is, you don't know the price when you accept deal. A failing author and an artist at the start of her career discover inspiration comes at a cost, and the consequences will outlive them both.



Angela Tynehurst wrote novels about a character who was always risking her life in the pursuit of justice. Unlike her fictional creation, Angela always played it safe. She kept every part of her life under tight control. Not even a zombie apocalypse could affect her. Then a handsome man with dark brown eyes knocked on her door, and everything was turned upside down. If Angela decided to step out of her safety zone, and take a risk, what could that cost her?


In these short pieces, you will spend a sleepless night with the Possum in the Roof, have A Drink with a Princess, who is both alluring and dangerous, and leave the house spotless in Spring Cleaning. Enjoy a little slice of fiction with your next coffee break.


 In an institution for people recovering from serious psychiatric illness, a group of residents with sinister pasts are bothered by visits from a girl who doesn't exist.





A book of sermons and brief reflections on Christian Scripture, by Rev Iris Carden. There is no specific order to the items in the book, they are intended to each be a "surprise" in that they are not related to the items around them. It is hoped that in each, the reader will find something new or special, or unexpected, a message from God. Rev Iris Carden has a Master's Degree in Theology and more than 10 years of experience as a Christian minister.

Thursday, 12 December 2019

Princess' New Toy

Princess has discovered a new cat toy.



It's not just any cat toy.


It's a cat toy with smaller cat toys on it.


It's an absolutely amazing thing!

.

A cat could almost get lost in this!


Those smaller toys keep coming off the big toy and appearing all over the house.


Mum is very glad she opted for plastic, and not glass baubles.

Saturday, 12 October 2019

Treats and Tricks

I tried the "I deserve a treat" look.
-Miss Fantasia.
Hello Everyone!

When Mum and I go on our morning walk, I sometimes get treats.

Mum gives me treats if I can get past the noisy dogs' homes without barking or pulling on the lead.  That's very hard to do because those dogs say some very mean things to us.

So if I stay focussed on my walking and ignore those noisy dogs, Mum tells me to sit down and she gives me a treat.

The other day, I tried a trick.  I didn't wait for Mum to tell me to sit down. I walked nicely past the noisy dogs' houses (there's three of them in a row), and I sat down and gave Mum the "I deserve a treat" look.

Mum laughed, and said that was right I'd earned it, and tossed me a treat. Mum tosses me the treats now, because I once accidentally bit her fingers as well as the treat.

Since sitting without waiting to be told worked so nicely, I tried something even trickier on the next day.

I sat down before we got to the noisy dogs' houses.  I gave Mum my "I deserve a treat" look.

Mum said I hadn't earned it yet.

I gave her the look again.

She said, "Good try.  Excellent try.  But no. That's not how it works.  You have to earn the treat before you get it."

It was as if she didn't trust me! (She said it was as if she knew me.)

So that doesn't work.  I really do have to go past the noisy dogs' homes if I want my treat.  Luckily, since it's almost summer, we're going for our walk earlier, and some days the noisy dogs aren't even awake yet.

We have to have our walk before the day gets too hot, so my delicate little paws don't get burned on the path. It's a serious issue:  dogs can get third degree burns from hot paths.

Anyway, my trickiest trick didn't work.  If you've got ideas for getting extra treats, please let me know.

Licks and tail wags,
Miss Fantasia Dog.
(Call me Fanta.)

Friday, 9 August 2019

Late Night Cataclysms

"I would never do anything to upset the humans." - Mr Bumpy.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Do you know what annoys Mum more than anything?  It's being suddenly woken up when from a really deep sleep. She jumps up, and then looks around her in an unfocussed way as if she can't work out where she is or what's going on.

Of course, I would never do anything to upset the humans - much.

Excellent ways I've found to wake Mum up in the middle of the night include these:


  • Knocking her things off the dressing table noisily.
  • Biting Fanta's ear, so Fanta yelps and jumps up and wakes up Mum who sleeps beside her. Fanta's ears are her most vulnerable part - they're thin enough to get my mouth around.
  • Catching Princess, knocking her on her back and trying to rip her throat out.  When Mum hears the ruckus, she comes running out of the room yelling, "Bumpy get off her!"  The only real downside of this is getting my mouth full of fluff. Spitting out fluff is really hard.
  • Leaping on Mum from a great height - there's a couple of pieces of furniture in the bedroom that are suitable launchpads.
  • Puking loudly anywhere in the house, but right on Mum's bed is the most effective.
  • After Mum throws me out of the bedroom and closes the door, knocking constantly on the door to be let back in.
I was not responsible for the recent late night event that brought the most impressive response from Mum that I have ever seen.

Mum and Fanta are both a tad chubby. In fact Mum's doctor tells her to lose weight, and the vet tells Fanta to lose weight.  Together they are very heavy.  Mum didn't have a lot of  money when she bought the bed, so it was a cheap one, and the other night, it broke. 

You should have seen Mum jump up! She was very anxious to make sure her guitar (which was kept under the bed) was safe, and that none of us were under the bed.  Then she fumbled around the house for a while like she had no idea what to do next, before she eventually made up the spare bed in the art studio. Meanwhile, Princess took over the bed that was lying at a strange angle and settled down to a nice sleep on the slope.

Apparently there's a new bed coming, but for now Mum and Fanta are sleeping on the mattress on the floor.  You know what that means?  It's a bigger leap and a bigger landing when I leap on to Mum from a great height.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,


Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Friday, 12 July 2019

Scary and Dangerous Dog

Hello Everyone!

I heard something strange today.

I heard that the RSPCA has had to try to teach people that Staffies (Staffordshire Bull Terriers) like me are not scary and dangerous dogs.  Some people think that we are.

Well do you know what? I am a scary and dangerous dog.  Look, here's a picture of me being scary and dangerous on my morning walk today.


Now tell the truth, you've never seen anything more scary and dangerous in your life, have you? (If it was as cold on your morning walk as it was on mine, you'd have worn a pink puffy jacket, too.)

Here's another picture of me being scary and dangerous.


OK, maybe I'm more scary and tired there.

How about this one? 


Yeah, you're scared now.  I know you're scared.




I know.  If you were a hotdog you're just shaking with fear.


And when I play dressups with my friend...


...we have terrifying tea parties.

Here's the ultimate.  This one will scare  your socks off.




That's right.  I'm the kind of dog who hangs out with crocodiles.

So now you know.  I'm a seriously scary and dangerous dog.  

I'm not just an oversized lap dog at all.



You've been warned. Now you know you can't go breaking into my home or hurting my humans because I know exactly what I'd do - I'd hide behind Mum.  (Mum's angry voice is the scariest thing on Earth.)

Licks and tail wags,
oh wait. 
I mean grrrrrs and snarls 

Miss Fantasia Seriously Scary Dog
(Call me Fanta.  Want to play?  Throw my squeaky crocodile, I'll fetch.)




Monday, 24 June 2019

Farewell, maybe?

Hello everyone, Mum's got an email about renewing this website name.  It's set to auto-renew - but there's also a link she's supposed to go to for the renewal.  That link doesn't work.

If you can't get this site after a few days, you could still get it on the old name not-to-be-taken-seriously.blogspot.com

Wednesday, 27 February 2019

Princess Gets a Present

Hello,

Guess what the humans got me?  It's so exciting.


Oh, you'll never guess.  



They got me a new box!


When the microwave went "pop" and the humans said things like "oh no", I thought something bad was happening.


But then they went out and got me a new box! 



So it was really a very good thing.  


I've been in and out and all around.  It's a great box from every direction.


I hope your microwave goes "pop" too!

Princess Purrs