Responsible Pet Ownership

Hello out there in the Bloggopshere,

I'm sure you'll all be pleased to know that the Feline Pawty believes in responsible pet ownership.

To that end, all animals will be required to have their domestic humans registered and micro-chipped. I had considered a de-sexing law, but will opt for controlled breeding instead.

(By the way, Billy the Pig, Feline Pawty candidate for Wide Bay earlier this year wrote an excellent article on breeding humans.)

So, not only will humans be trained in the appropriate service of cats, but cats and other animals who

"Humans require close supervision." - Mr Bumpy.

keep humans will be trained in the care of those humans.

For example, did you know that some animals leave their humans unsupervised for hours at a time? They could get up to anything!

Watch your humans closely.  Especially if they are in a room that has water.  No human should ever be left alone in the laundry, bathroom, or kitchen. They will object to this supervision.  They will say things like: "I can't see you over this washing basket, get out of the way or I'll stand on you", "There's really no secret way out of the bathroom, I'm not going to escape. You don't have to come in and watch me."  or even "Can I at least cook a meal without you under my feet?"  Ignore all these protests.  They are just ways to try to get you to leave them unsupervised, so they can get up to mischief. Remember, never, ever, ever leave your human alone in a room where there's water.

Another thing humans will try to do, if you let them, is close the door. You can circumvent this by standing right in the doorway, acting as if you can't decide whether to be in or out. If you let your human close the door, what will you do when prey or an attacker appears on the other side of it? How will you get out to be the hero of your domain?  Do not let a human close the door. (The exception to this is if you are being attacked by terrorist Mina Birds.  Then you can run inside and get your human to shut the door as soon as you are safe inside.)

"Eat the treats for them." - Mr Bumpy.

Limit the availability of treats.  Treats make humans fat and sick.  Eat the treat for them, especially if the treat is lactose free ice-cream, lactose-free cream, lactose-free milk, fish or meat. If the treat is anything else, get the dog to eat it for them.  This is in your human's best interests.  You don't want them getting sick.  The one human treat neither you nor the dog should eat is chocolate. That's even worse for you than it is for your human.  Whenever possible, save your humans from treats. 

No matter how vigilant you are, sometimes a human will escape from the house without you.  When this happens make sure they feel guilty for this.  I don't often praise Mr Woof, but he is incredibly good at this.  When he sees Mum is getting ready to leave the house, he starts trembling, and he cries. Yesterday, when Mum was getting ready to go to her doctor's appointment, Mr Woof went into his act spectacularly.  Mum told him Mr 19 was going to stay home with him, but he still cried and shook as if his whole world was falling apart. Eventually, Mr 19 said to him: "Woof, you're a whiny little son of a bitch. Also you're adopted." Even after that, Mr Woof kept up his performance.  No one does guilting the humans like Mr Woof does. So learn a lesson from Mr Woof: make your human feel guilty if it leaves you at all.

And my last piece of advice for now, is to not let your human get cold.  I know that summer here in Brisbane gets hot, but even in hot weather there's a risk that your human will get too cold.  Humans don't have that much hair.  Well, Mr 19 has lots of hair, but it's all on his head.  So, whenever they stay still, make sure you're on top of them.  They may complain about your hair on their good clothes, or that you've been rolling in the dirt, or whatever.  But remember, no matter how hot it is, no matter how dirty you happen to be, no matter what your human is wearing, an almost-hairless human always needs your warmth.


So those are my beginners' tips.  But after the election, when the Feline Pawty wins, there'll be a full government-funded education program available to teach you how to care for your pet human properly.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Feline Pawty Prime Minispurrial Candidate.

Concatulations to Loupi and Zorro

Just a quick note to tell you that my friend Loupi and his little brother Zorro were featured in Mousebreath Magazine!

You may know Loupi and Zorro from Swiss Cat Blog. You may also know Loupi as the Feline Pawty Candidate for Lingiari, and as our anticipated Education Minispurr. 

Oh, I can't get over it!!!!  I know a celebrity!  It's all too much. I have to have a little nap.

Terrorism Alert

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I don't think either of the other candidates for Prime Minispurr will tell you about the terrible danger Brisbane is facing right now.

I first found out when I saw them with my own eyes.  That's right, members of that evil terrorist organisation, the Mina Birds were in my front yard this morning, waiting for me when I went outside.

They screeched and swooped, and I barely made it back inside alive.  I have been able to watch them from my fortress, and am keeping records of their behaviour to forward to ASIO.

Some of you may remember an earlier incident involving this particular evil organisation.  In that attack ear, but was able a few days later to gain some justice.  That whole adventure was last year.  I still have the scar on my ear.

Last year's attack.

I almost lost my

Mina Birds are the most evil of all terrorist organisations.  They have infiltrated Australia from overseas, and launch random, vicious, attacks on both native and introduced species alike.

One of my first goals as Prime Minispurr will be to make it illegal to be a Mina Bird or an associate of a Mina Bird.  I know many of you object in general to capital punishment, but in the case of Mina Birds, it is the only feasible solution to this problem.  We have to eradicate them.  Would you want someone you loved attacked by a dozen razor beaks on super-fast wings, all swooping at once? That's what we're up against.

Let me say this loud and clear:  a Feline Pawty government will never cower to Mina Bird terrorists!

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Feline Pawty Prime Minispurrial Candidate.

Species War

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I have to say that the humans involved in this upcoming election have totally missed the point of what the main debate is.

There has been talk of a "Class War" and a "Gender War".

No, this election will not be about whether the rich or the poor humans win.

It will not be about which party will listen to, and respect, women more.

It won't be about Ms Gillard's jackets or Mr Abbott's budgie smugglers.

It won't be about Ms Gillard's physical attributes, or whether or not the women in Mr Abbott's family

"If the Feline Pawty wins, we all win."
- Mr Bumpy

like him.

It won't be about menus, or scandals, or stupid questions on the radio about the sexuality of people who are somehow connected to the candidates.

If this election is any kind of war, it's a "Species War."

It's about whether human or non-human leadership is best for Australia.

Human politicians have not looked after Australia at all well. There's not nearly enough green tape to protect it. It's native inhabitants are not properly respected. Cats are homeless (in fact, so are humans.)

Human politicians haven't even looked after the humans in Australia, or the ones coming here who need help, let alone the animals.

It's time for better leadership.

It's time for the cats, and honorary cats of all non-human species, to take over.

Even the humans will be better off.

On the 14th of September, vote Feline Pawty, because if we win, all species will win. If the humans win, we all lose.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Feline Pawty Prime Minispurrial Candidate.

The Candidate for Oxley

 Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I'd like to introduce to you the Feline Pawty's candidate for the seat of Oxley.

Sitting ALP member Bernie Ripoll will have a challenge ahead of him, standing against someone as cute and tasty - err - clever as Honey Brennan. 

Honey solves one of the problems the Feline Pawty had - that of not having a Native member.  In fact, until Honey volunteered, I don't think I even knew any native Australians.

"Twit" - Sapphire Budgie.

Honey will be the Minispurr for Indigenous Affairs when the Feline Pawty is elected to Government,  being far more expert in the matter than the rest of us.  It will be a big challenge, but Honey's a fairly big bird (at least compared with the budgies at my place.)

Honey says: "Whilst I am not a feline myself, I do believe whole-heartedly in your policies. Especially homelessness, as feral felines are a danger to my fellow Native animals.

"I must confess that the idea of an Avian Native, such as myself, working for a Feline does make me somewhat worried. But you require a voice for the Native Australian animals and I will do my utmost best to ensure that I represent them well. To do so I speak with many species of Native animals on a regular basis, such as Kookaburras, Cockatoos of all varieties, Magpies, Butcher Birds, Scrub Turkeys, Brushtail Possums, Ring tail Possums, Water Dragons, the odd Snake and dozens of Native
Ants and Insects. They have assured me that they too support your Policies. My loud voice also carries weight in the greater community allowing me to make contact with isolated groups and their needs."

There's not much more I can say except: Welcome to the Feline Pawty, Honey, and rest assured I do not eat anyone who lives in a cage.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,

I remain,

Mr Bumpy,

Bloggercat,

Supreme Feline Overlord,

Feline Pawty Prime Minispurrial Candidate.

Foreign Affairs

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

As the election looms closer, I have to think a bit more about my cabinet, and who would be a good fit for each position.

Foreign Affairs is an important portfolio.

I'm thinking I'll learn a lesson from Ms Gillard here.  After Mr Rudd stopped being Prime Minispurr, Ms Gillard made him Foreign Affairs Minispurr because he could speak Mandarin.

That's a great idea, having a Foreign Affairs Minispurr who can speak a foreign language.

"Tiger will be Foreign Affairs Minispurr"
- Mr Bumpy.

So I think I'm going to make Tiger the Minispurr for Foreign Affairs.

Tiger speaks a foreign language, I understand.  He is a small tiger after all.

He should be able to converse comfortably with bigger tigers.

Tigers live in African and Asian countries, and Asian countries are very important for Australian trade and tourism, and all kinds of things.  Asia is kind of next-door to Australia.

So I think, being a kind of tiger, and being able to talk to Asian tigers, would be a very good asset for a Foreign Affairs Minispurr to have.

Mum says she sees a problem with my logic here, but she's just a human, and they have all kinds of problems thinking things through.

"Being able to speak Tiger could be very valuable." - Mr Bumpy

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Feline Pawty Prime Minispurrial Candidate.

Announcing the Candidate for Perth

Hello Everyone!

Mr Bumpy says we need more candidates so I'll have to stand for a seat.

(Isn't political language funny. You stand for a seat and then you run for it, and unless you win the election, you never get to sit in it.)

I asked him which electorate he wanted me in, and he said: "The one furthest away possible."

That's why I standing for the seat of Perth, in Western Australia.

Bumps says he might want me in the cabinet too.  That's an honour.  I always though he didn't like me,

"I'm standing for the seat of Perth in
Western Australia." - Mr Woof.

well, with all the biting and scratching and nastiness.  But no, he says I'd be a great asset as Minispurr for the Ageing.  He wants me to inspect every old people's home, old cats' home and old dogs' home in Australia personally while I'm minister.  He says I should even stay in each of them for a while as well, to see what it's like from the residents' point-of-view.

Now, I know what you're thinking.  But Mum said straight out, "Mr Bumpy, you're not trying to get rid of the dog again are you?"

And Bumps said: "No Mum! How could you think of such a thing!  I was thinking of doing the best thing for all the oldies in the nation.  Woof's the best expert on being old that I know."

So you see, Bumps isn't trying to get rid of me, he thinks I'm an expert and my knowledge and experience are important.

Well, I have to go hit the campaign trail, and I have a nice long walkie ahead of me.

Does anyone know the way to Perth?

Licks and tail wags.

Mr Woof,
Doggsbody,
Feline Pawty Candidate for Perth.

An Indigenous Treaty

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Sometimes it seems like Australia's only been around since the late 1700s, like our history began with the first fleet.

Actually, Australia's history goes back fifty thousand or even a hundred thousand years.

Indigenous Australians have for years been asking for a treaty, a formal recognition of how much history Australia has, and how important they are. They want an agreement that says everyone whose ancestors have been introduced here in the past couple of years will respect them, their culture, and their special relationship with the land.

It's sad that they haven't had that respect all along, but well, humans have been running things.  And you know that means humans have been ruining things.

"We don't have any native animals in the Feline Pawty, yet, but
we do want to listen to them and hope to have a treaty within
our first term in government." - Mr Bumpy.

I know that some treaties in other places haven't necessarily gone very well, but the treaty in New Zealand between native and introduced humans seems to be very effective at helping everyone to respect everyone else. I want to learn more about that and what makes it work.

The Feline Pawty doesn't have any native animal members yet, but we do hope we will have some soon.

But whether we have native members or not, in our first term in government we want to have a formal treaty with our indigenous animals (and humans, for that matter.)

Our plan is to start by listening, and finding out exactly what our native animals and people need.  We have find out what would make them feel they had appropriate respect.  I know we can't go back in time and fix the horrible way introduced humans and animals first came here. But starting from where we are, we plan to find a way to live together with everyone showing everyone treating everyone else well.

Those of us who were introduced, should be proud of those who were here to care for our nation for all these thousands of years. And when we talk about Australian history, we need to remember the history of koalas, kangaroos, emus and bilbies and all the rest, not just the cats, dogs, cattle, sheep and pigs.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Feline Pawty Prime Minispurrial Candidate.

Boat People

98 Days until the first
Feline Pawty Government

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I want to talk about a major issue in Australian politics: asylum seekers.

Asylum seekers are people who are running away from terrible things like being tortured or killed if they stay in their home countries.

Some of them risk their lives on leaky boats, operated by criminals, to come to Australia, because they think this will be a better place to live. Some of those boats sink, and kill the people who were trying to come here, which is a big problem.

Australian politicians think asylum seekers shouldn't pay criminals and come on leaky boats to Australia. And I agree, in principal to that part.

But what the human politicians have been doing to stop that is trying to make coming to Australia seem so bad that nobody wants to do it.

They've failed at that. Now, don't get me wrong.  The human politicians we have in Australia are very

"Everyone deserves a safe home." - Mr Bumpy.

good at making life unpleasant for everyone.  They've had years of practise. But for what they're trying to achieve, they'd have to make life intolerable, and unless Mr Abbott made everyone see pictures of him in his budgie smugglers every day, there's just no way any of them know how to do that.

No matter what the human politicians have done, they haven't been able to make Australia seem so bad that people would rather be somewhere they were going to be tortured and killed than come here.

Of course the human politicians are only human, so you can't expect them to learn from their mistakes, or from anything much, really.  So they will keep doing what doesn't work.

I'm not human.  I'm a cat, so I'm much smarter than most humans.  I have a better plan.

First of all, the problem isn't that people want to come here because they need somewhere safe to live.  Everyone needs somewhere safe to live.  Ask anyone at a shelter, waiting to be adopted, what they think. They'll tell you: everyone should have a home where they're safe and have their food and water bowls full, and they're loved.  In fact, if you ask the right animal at a shelter, someone who knows, they'll tell you how horrible it is to always be afraid and to keep being hurt, and that a safe home is the most important thing in the world.

So, instead of punishing people for risking everything to come here, we cats would look at the real problem.  The real problem is the leaky boats and the criminals who run them.

We will give asylum seekers a safe way to come to Australia.  We won't make them give us everything they own and we won't make them destroy their identity papers like the criminals do. It's simple.  People won't pay the criminals everything they own, and the criminals won't get rich.  People will come to Australia still with their identity papers, so it's easier to check that they don't have criminal records and things like that.

Then we won't have to lock people in shelters for ever and ever and ever while we try to work out who they are and if they're dangerous.

The ones who have been able to get their savings out of the countries they came from will have their own money to get their new lives started here, because they won't have given it all to criminals.

Australia will get lots of new people who are glad to be here, who can work and help make Australia an even better place to be.  And we'll save lots and lots of money by not locking people up in shelters for ages and ages and ages.

The only people who lose out will be the criminals, and that's OK because everyone wants them to go out of business anyway. Nobody likes someone who makes money out of other people being miserable. (I bet they're not even good to the cats and dogs they live with.)

Well, that's my plan.  It's what will happen if the Feline Pawty wins the election.

If Ms Gillard wins, the humans will keep doing the same things that don't work.

If Mr Abbott wins, he will make Australia an even nastier place for asylum seekers to come, but they'll still come because what they're running away from is even worse (even if he does make them see pictures of him in his budgie smugglers or his lycra bike clothes.)

And Mr Palmer? Well he's rebuilding the Titanic, so I don't think he knows a lot about stopping boats from sinking.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Feline Pawty Prime Minispurrial Candidate.

Feline Pawty Media Release #5

Felines Still Ahead in Polls

With only 99 days to go until the Federal Election, a new era in Australian history is about to begin.

Polls (on the right-hand side of mrbumpycat.com) predict a Feline Pawty landslide.

100% of 16 voters surveyed would prefer a Feline Pawty Government.  And in the leadership approval poll, 100% of 19 voters said Mr Bumpy was their preferred Prime Minispurr.

Pawty Leader Mr Bumpy said: "Australians are fed up with human politicians. Humans don't even look after each other properly, let alone looking after everyone else."

Mr Bumpy pointed to the issue of assylum seekers, and said if the human politicians had so much trouble re-homing humans in need, how could they be expected to ensure homes for all cats and honorary cats?

He said a Feline Pawty Government will ensure proper re-homing for homelessness whether the person  in need had four legs or two.

"No-one should be without a safe home, a bowl of Friskies, and someone to love them," Mr Bumpy said.  "A Feline Pawty Government will ensure everyone has those basics."


Media contact:
Mr Woof, Doggsbody,
Feline Pawty Media Liaison