Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Mr Bumpy sings: If I Go Out In the Yard Today

(To the tune of Teddy Bears' Picnic)

If I go out in the yard today I'd better not go alone.
It's lovely out in the yard today but safer to stay at home.
For every child who lives in our roof,
Is gathered there today because
Today's their holiday at home from schoo-ool.

The a curse of being this cute is that they think I'm a toy and not a cat
And if they get a sight of me, then they'll say: "Let's play with Bum-py!"
And every child will want to play
and they're out in the yard because
Today's their holiday at home from schoo-ool.

Holidays for children, the little children are having a wonderful time today.
See them, watch them have their fun,
they like to play and run,
and make a lot of noise.

When lunchtime comes their mother will take them up to eat,
and I'll have the yard at last!
When lunchtime comes their mother will take them up to eat,
and I'll have the yard at last!

Er Mum, when are school holidays over?

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Dear Ombudsman

Dear Ombudsman

I understand you're the person to write to when things aren't fair, if I can't get justice by any other means.

Well, things are very, very, unfair at my house lately.  I've appealed to Mum for justice, and she has ignored my pleadings.

First of all, Joey keeps a bed at my house to sleep in when she visits.

If I get into her bed at all, I get into lots of trouble. Humans get me out and tell me that's Joey's and I'm not allowed to use it!

Well, I've had a claim on the furry blankies on the couch for ever!

But when Joey decided she liked to play on them, Mum just said: "I guess I've got to wash them more often."

Now, while I do appreciate Mum washing the blankies so I don't get baby drool or whatever other stuff on my lovely fur, I think there is a principle at stake here.

If I'm not allowed where she likes to sleep, why is she allowed where I like to sleep?

Well, that's what I'd like to know.

I think the world will be a much better place when I'm in charge of all of it.

Yours sincerely.

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Watson Holmes, Feline Detective

Feline detective on the job.
Hello out there in the Bloggophere,

I don't know if you know this, but I'm an expert detective.

Mum and I watch detective shows together all the time.  And sometimes I help her read detective books on her kindle.  She says it's hard to read through a cat, but  really she knows she needs my help.

So, as I'm such an expert, it was no surprise at all when Mum asked me to solve a real life crime.  It was a matter of vandalism.

Mum said: "Bumpy, can you explain why there's claw marks in the office chair?"

"Claw marks on the office chair? The one we sit on to write my blog?" I asked, shocked.

I immediately jumped up on the chair and inspected.

Mum was right. (That was something of a surprise, because, well, you know, she is only human.)

A close inspection of the evidence.
A close inspection of the evidence, revealed the claw marks were exactly the same size as my claws.

Well that narrowed it down to species.  The offender was clearly feline.

I did a search of the house. There were no open doors or windows.  There was no way in or out, unless someone actually let the miscreant in.

That made it an inside job! A human, one of my humans, was a traitor!

Someone had let a cat or cats unknown into the house so they could claw our office chair.

I tried to question the suspects.

Mum just demanded to know what had happened to the chair.

When I asked Mr 19 about opening doors, he said, "Do you want to go out?  OK, just come in for lock-up time." He opened the door for me very kindly.

So here's my two alternate theories:

One, Mum deliberately let another cat into the house to claw the chair to try to frame me, for whatever nefarious reasons Mum might have.  (Remember, this is the person responsible for Friskies shortages and the occasional late delivery of stinky fish.  I wouldn't put anything past her.)

Or two, Mr 19, being such a kind-hearted human, let another cat into the house, without paying due attention, thinking it was me.  If that happened, that also means there's another cat in the neighbourhood impersonating me and probably getting up to all kinds of crimes.

So far I haven't found a way to prove which theory is right. But the case is still open.

Trust me I'll catch the cat-clawing chair criminal, eventually.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
World's Greatest Detective.

Saturday, 15 February 2014

The Wardrobe

Mr Bumpy: Where is it? It's got to be in here somewhere.

Mum: Ahem.

Mr Bumpy: Oh hi Mum.  Do you know there's too much stuff in your wardrobe? And your clothes are all out of date? And they're covered in cat hair?

Mum: What do you think you're doing?

Mr Bumpy:  Me? Oh I'm looking for Narnia.  I heard they needed a brave cat to fight off a horrible witch.

Mum: Get out of the wardrobe.

Mr Bumpy: I think I've found the horrible witch.

Monday, 10 February 2014

The Alliance of the Unjustly Maligned

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Let me tell you about a conversation I had the other day.  I was enjoying my all-important 653rd nap of the day when I felt something press down on me and drag down my back.

Then I heard an excited voice say: "Bumpy let me stroke him!"

I sat up, to find one of the small humans who live in the roof. It was the boy.

"Dude," I said, "that just isn't cool. Firstly, it doesn't count if you sneak up on me when I'm asleep. And secondly, don't you know the rules at all? Never disturb a sleeping cat. It's in the Feline Code."

"Are you going to tell on me?" He asked.

"Tell on you? No.  But if you do it again, I might scratch you."

"That's OK," he said, "just as long as you don't get me in trouble with the grown ups again."

"I know about trouble," I said. "I've had a bit of it myself.  Just last night I was enjoying scratching happily, when Mum yelled: 'Bumpy, that's my new dressing table stool. Stop it!'  If she didn't want me scratching it, why did she just leave it out on the bedroom floor where any passing cat would be tempted by it? That's what I want to know.  So what are you in trouble for?"

He said. "I woke your Mum up from her nap and asked her to move her car out of the carport.  It was for a really important reason.  If the car's gone I can ride my bike around the back yard, through the carport, around the front yard, through the carport again and around the back yard. It's lots of fun.  But Dad found out I'd done that and took my bike of me for punishment. My Mum says your Mum can park in the carport and it's bad manners for me to ask her to move it."

I thoughtfully licked my paw.  "It sounds like they don't want you to have any fun. I know what that's like.  Baby Joey leaves lots of awesome things here to play with, but I get in trouble when I borrow them. It's not as if I take them off her, I just want to play with them when she's not here and not using them anyway. What's wrong with that?"

"It's just grown-ups," he said. "They're always like that. They're trying to make me stop sucking my thumb. And they're all ganging up on me.  My sister and I were here the other day, and Mr 19 made us a babycino."

"Mr 19's kind like that," I said. "He's my favourite human."

"But he said I could only have one if I didn't suck my thumb.  And I did suck my thumb, and he wouldn't give me the babycino!"

"He what!!!"  I was horrified.  "He withheld food from you! That's awful. That's almost as bad as the Great Friskies Crisis of 2013. I never would have thought Mr 19 would ever be that mean to anyone! Mum would, but never Mr 19."

"And then," he went on, "my sister said 'I got a babycino and he didn't because he sucked his thumb.' She just had to rub it in."

"That's harsh," I said.  "I had a big brother like that. Mr Woof was always a goody-two-shoes and always told Mum on me.  If I was napping in his bed, he'd sit beside the bed and cry until Mum came and moved me.  He was always so proud of not being in trouble when I was. I told him that no-one likes a tattle-tale, but he didn't listen, and he always told on me."

"It's just not fair," he said.

"It's definitely not fair." I agreed.

It's quite amazing really.  I'd always been disturbed by this kid chasing me and wanting to play with me. Who knew he was being just as unjustly maligned by all the bigger humans as I was?

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Unjustly Maligned Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Saturday, 18 January 2014

Mr Bumpy Sings: I Can Purr

(Tune of "Safety Dance")

I can purr if I want to,
humans don't know how,
but I'm a cat,
superior cat,
and I can purr right now.

purr purr purr purr purr purr purr
purr purr purr purr purr purr purr
purr purr purr purr
purr purr purr purr
purr purr purr purr purr purrrrrrooowwww!

I can nap if I want to,
I know just the way,
'cause I'm a cat,
superior cat,
and I can nap all day.

purr purr purr purr purr purr purr
purr purr purr purr purr purr purr
purr purr purr purr
purr purr purr purr
purr purr purr purr purr purrrrrrooowwww!

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Ready for the Day

Mum calls this thing a "dressing table".

She's too big to get dressed on it, so it must be for me.

I'm always so stylishly dressed, but it does take a bit of work to maintain my suave look.

One hair out of place in the tail.  Got that under control, now what?

Oh yeah, paws.

Now let's paws for reflection on that - ha  ha, I'm so funny.

Oops, there's a bit on the tummy to straighten up... let's fix that up now.

I think I'm good to go. Ready for the day.

Good morning Mum.

If you don't get off the bed, I'm pouncing you in three..... two..... one!

Saturday, 11 January 2014

Mr Bumpy's Email

Their email:

Hi my name is Angela Weems

 I’ve been tracking the success of your company while working on your competitors' sites—I’m very impressed with your company, but there are some real opportunities for growth.

Are you interested in several proven strategies to use content and social media to drive relevant traffic to your site? In 20 minutes I can show you how to fuel your brand and generate more revenue.

This is a $2,500 value free of charge.

I’d like to follow up about this with a quick phone call. Can I call you this week to discuss your campaign?

Best Regards,
Angela Weems
Goldsmith Center 6523

Wilshire Blvd. Los Angeles.


Mr Bumpy
7:17 AM (1 minute ago)

to Angela
Hello Angela

This company you've been tracking the success of isn't a company. It's a cat. He's fully grown thank you, and doesn't need any further growth.

He doesn't generate revenue.

He has a blog that is a hobby for a disabled pensioner.

There's no money to hire you.

If there were money to hire someone, it would be paid to someone who can track a website and know the difference between a company and a cat.

Please don't bother to send yet another email about how you can help my non-existent company, or that you are working for my non-existent competitors.

Mr Bumpy

Note: Mr Bumpy receives two or three emails of this type a week... this particular writer had decided that a daily follow-up to her initial email would be a good idea.

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Christmas Greetings

Dear Minions

May your dish be full

May you have cream to spare

May your trees be high

May you have gardens to explore

May you have sunshine to roll in

May you have safe places to retreat to

May your bed be soft

May the presents all be for you

May you always know where your jingle ball is

May your memories of lost loved ones be sweet not painful

And may all the blessings of Christmas be yours

Have a meowy Christmas
and a purry New Year.

With condescending acceptance (well you didn't expect actual love from the Supreme Feline Overlord did you?)
From Mr Bumpy

Tuesday, 17 December 2013


Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Do you remember my adventures investigating Baby Joey and all the things she leaves in our house?

Well, Baby Joey got a new bed to keep here. It's bigger than the other one, and Mum doesn't have to bend so far to put her in and out of it.

She certainly looks comfortable when she's in it.

So, of course, one day when she wasn't here, I tried it.

And it really was comfortable. But Mum kept getting me out of it. Then she turned the mattress on its side for some strange reason.

Guess what?

With the mattress gone, Baby Joey's bed is the most fun place to play!

Paws and tails just slip through the gaps. It makes "hunt the tail" really interesting. It's so much fun!

What do you think "water pistol" means? Mum's talking about getting me one. I hope it's fun.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord.