Sunday, 27 November 2011

Instructions For Bosses

Good morning,

I'm sorry I don't have a photo for you today. I didn't know I was doing the cat-it-orial.  I was just packing up to go back to my nice cage on Friday, when Mr Bumpy said, "Cherry, you've got the cat-it-torial for Sunday under control, haven't you?"

Well, it was the first I'd heard about it. So now I'm staying back late - and I think I've missed pumpkin seeds for dinner - writing a cat-it-orial and I haven't even thought what it should be about.

So, I think, I'll give all you bosses out there (like a certain Mr Bumpy), some advice on how to get the most out of your administrative staff.

  1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  2. If it's really a rush job, run and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all my limbs.
  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which one is a priority. I am psychic.
  6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this place and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If it gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. i like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
  10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
  12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the one about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus cheque you received for being such a good manager.
  13. Wait until my yearly review and then tell me what my goals should have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
Yours faithfully
Cherry Rat

If you boys have eaten all the pumpkin seeds there'll be trouble!

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