I'm sorry I don't have a photo for you today. I didn't know I was doing the cat-it-orial. I was just packing up to go back to my nice cage on Friday, when Mr Bumpy said, "Cherry, you've got the cat-it-torial for Sunday under control, haven't you?"
Well, it was the first I'd heard about it. So now I'm staying back late - and I think I've missed pumpkin seeds for dinner - writing a cat-it-orial and I haven't even thought what it should be about.
So, I think, I'll give all you bosses out there (like a certain Mr Bumpy), some advice on how to get the most out of your administrative staff.
- Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
- If it's really a rush job, run and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
- Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
- If my arms are full of papers, boxes, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all my limbs.
- If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which one is a priority. I am psychic.
- Do your best to keep me late. I adore this place and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
- If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If it gets out, it could mean a promotion.
- If you don't like my work, tell everyone. i like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
- If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
- Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
- Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
- Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the one about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus cheque you received for being such a good manager.
- Wait until my yearly review and then tell me what my goals should have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
If you boys have eaten all the pumpkin seeds there'll be trouble!