Saturday, 28 January 2012

Rethinking Operation Coffee Machine

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

If you've forgotten, Operation Coffee Machine was my plan to take over the world, by depriving the humans of the coffee they require to function.  The plan was to leap from my on-top-of-the-fridge napping spot, on to the bench, knocking over the coffee machine.

So what happened with this great plan?  There was one thing I failed to take into account. The coffee machine is in possession of a WMD. That's right, it has a real weapon of mass destruction. This isn't an imaginary one like in Iraq - I really saw it, and felt it. So where's the United Nations? Where are the Americans? Who is going to save an innocent cat from this kind of intimidation?

I leapt onto the machine according to plan.

The next thing I knew, I was covered in a brown, smelly, liquid I can only assume was highly toxic.  Not only that, but it felt as if it was burning hot! Surely it must have been some terrible acid, or something equally evil.

The humans laughed at me. Sure they wiped down my fur and even offered to put me in the bath (no, thank you.) Mostly, they just seemed to think it was funny. Mum told me it served me right. And she said this coffee maker didn't have glass bits like the old one for a reason. (I have no idea what that reason could be.)

To add insult to injury, once she'd wiped me down, Mum said, "Well, since I've got you anyway, let's get your flea treatment out of the way."  So, yes, I was exposed to both a toxic chemical weapon, and the indignity of flea treatment all in the one day.   It's going to take weeks of napping to get over this trauma.

Never mind, while I'm napping, I'm sure I will dream up a new and better plan for world domination.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,

Hey, everyone, you really should have seen it! It was so awesome, Mr Bumpy covered in coffee, humans laughing so hard they just about fell over. It was the best day! Rupert Rat (and the Rat Collective.)

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Operation Coffee Machine

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I have decided to have another attempt at world domination.

No, I'm not unwell again. It's not a matter of needing purrrrrzac. (Although I did find the purrrrzac rather pleasant.)

This time it is a matter of simple logic. 

The humans have been doing a very bad job of running the world. If you doubt this, stop and think about how many wars they are fighting in how many different places. Think about how many of them are starving. Think about this whole climate change business. This is all caused by humans. Cats would never be bothered with such things.

Wars would interfere with our nap times. We may have the odd territorial spat now and again, but all species do that. Our spats are one on one and last until someone gives up and finds another territory. Human wars are thousands against thousands and can go for years and years and years, and still not be resolved.

Humans starving is just ridiculous. We cats woudn't allow anyone to starve. Notice that when we catch mice we rarely keep them to ourselves, but generously offer to share them with the humans who live in our homes. Under my regime, no-one will starve. There will be mice for everyone.

And as for the environment and climate change.  I have heard some humans complain that cats are a threat to the environment - but we are surely nowhere near the threat that humans are. We don't mine or use heavy industry, or throw out litter (well maybe we do have a litter issue), and we don't produce greenhouse gasses (unless we've had a particularly large bowl of Friskies.) We don't pollute waterways - in fact we tend to like to keep our paws dry and so stay away from waterways.

So, we've established that cats would be far better at managing the planet than humans.  The next question is: why should I be the cat for the job?  Quite simply, very few cats have leadership experience. As head of  NTBTS, I have managed a joke blog, and have kept a staff of varying creatures including an old dog, five budgies a collective of four rats and a human under control and on task. I doubt there are any other cats with this kind of leadership experience.

Now on to the plan. Yes, I do have a plan.

The first step is to gain some loyal minions to help me.  To this end, I've opened a Twitter account of my own (@MrBumpyCat), and am inviting all the cats of the internet to follow me.

Next we overthrow the humans.

Through years of careful observation of the humans in their natural habitat, I have deduced that they can only function after the ingestion of coffee.  My initial strike will therefore be to take out the coffee supply - thereby leaving the humans helpless.

I've done some reconissaince, and believe I've discovered the exact angle to leap off the fridge which will give the momentum to knock the coffee machine over and break it.  I practiced with the radio yesterday with quite satisfying results. I did get called a "bad cat", but I've never really concerned myself with the opinion of humans anyway.

Once "Operation Coffee Machine" is under way, and the supply of coffee has been cut off to humans, I intend to move into phase three - cornering the world Friskies market. Friskies will be the key currency once cats are running the world, and I need to take control of them early, to guarantee a well-run economy under the new order.

Well, there's the plans.  If you wish to be one of my minions, please follow @MrBumpyCat on Twitter - and remember this is top secret.  Under no circumstances tell the humans about this.

Until we meet again in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,

Friday, 13 January 2012

Confused? I Certainly Elephant!

The following was submitted to Mum's Lupus Blog as a comment - she labelled it as "spam" and didn't publish it there.  I don't know - I found it very amusing. Miss 20 loves the idea of a "Disco Horse" and wants to know where to find one. What do you think? Regards, Mr Bumpy.

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Friday, 6 January 2012

Christmas Gift Consequences!

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

There's been some unusual goings-on, on-going since Christmas in the NTBTS household.....

Joseph appears to have lost his head!
However could that have happened?

Humans ought to know that their actions have consequences. It's something they're supposed to learn. Unlike cats who are able to do anything they want and everyone is always happy with that, humans' actions can have negative effects on very important animals.

So, no-one should have been surprised that "accidents" would happen around the house, after they saw my Christmas present.  (No, not the lovely dead mouse I left under the tree - which Mum threw out. I mean the present for me.)

It's all Mum's fault.  She bought a generic "cat present" - she also bought a generic "dog present" which was just as bad, but that doesn't really matter.

These presents were big, brightly-coloured pre-packed bonbons. One had a picture of a cat on it and one had a picture of a dog on it. They didn't have any delicious smells coming out of them, like my usual presents do, but I was hopeful.

Christmas day came, and we didn't get to open our presents until the guests arrived. My present had been under the tree for weeks! And I still didn't get to open it.

Then when I did, it was a ball! It wasn't an exciting jingle ball that would make noises and skitter around the floor while I chased it.  It wasn't a soft catnip ball I could bat around with my paws and have the occasional chew on. It was a slightly-undersized-tennis-ball. I decided it was a mistake and went to steal, I mean acquire, Mr Woof's present. His was also a slightly-undersized-tennis-ball. Mr Woof is not impressed with tennis balls either - he was hoping for a pig's ear.

Well, of course, we both got ham and turkey and quiche for Christmas dinner. And Mr Woof forgave the humans for his pathetic present.

But me? I ate their Christmas food, of course, but I really can't just forgive an insult like that, can I? What would happen next year, if I let them get away with that?

So "things" have been happening around here.  The first "thing" happened on boxing day.  There was this cheese knife Mum's friend gave her last Christmas.  It's a cutsie little thing with a ceramic Christmas tree with a yellow star on top. Or it, er, used to have a yellow star at top. The star somehow broke off. Nobody saw it happen. There's nobody to blame. It just happened, somehow.

And then, just before Epiphany (because all the Christmas stuff gets put away at Epiphany), Joseph from the nativity scene lost his head. I have a theory about how this happened: if all you did for weeks and weeks was to stand looking at a ceramic baby that wasn't doing anything and wasn't made of catnip, maybe you'd get bored and go for a walk or something. And maybe if you were on a high table, you might fall off when you went for a walk. And maybe if you were made of something really breakable, your head would come off. Well, that's my theory of what happened.

There's no need to blame any cat in particular. No need to place blame at all.  Things just happen, don't they?  Especially if you've given your cat a really bad Christmas present.

I hope all your presents were good ones.

If anyone got more jingle balls than they wanted, please send me some.

Until next time we meet in the bloggosphere,
I remain,
yours faithfully
Mr Bumpy