Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Training Your Human

Look, it's daylight! Just get out of bed
and give me Friskies!
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Humans need not read this post - please go away. This is strictly for cats.

Are the humans gone? Good.

Right Minions, now it's just us, it's time for some serious business.

If we're serious about world domination, we have to begin in our own homes. We must ensure that our humans are properly trained.

The first thing we need to do is ensure they are on an appropriate schedule.  Nothing is worse than a human who is bored and does not know what it has to do next. Ensure your human always knows what it is time for.  Mine has a bad habit of sleeping past sunrise. To keep her in her routine, I have to go to the effort of waking her and telling her it is time to put food in my bowl. If I don't do this, she will just sleep until her alarm goes off.

Humans need to be told when it is time for cuddles, time for naps, time for food, time for play.  If you don't tell them, they will always get it wrong.  There is nothing more bothersome than a human who wants to play at nap time! So get in the habit of telling your human what to do and when to do it.

If your human is doing its own thing and ignoring you, demand attention! Walk between it's back feet - the ones it walks on. Remember they only walk on two of their legs, so they are easy to trip up. Humans have not evolved as far as we have and still do not really know what their front legs are for. If they are looking at a book or computer instead of you, simply jump on to whatever it is that is drawing your attention. Remember they are not very smart, and may actually think a book or computer is more important than you. They can learn to correct this thinking, but they do need your help.

Humans get bored easily, keep them occupied with activities like pouring Friskies and opening cans of fish.

They also need exercise.  Good exercise for a human is scratching a cat's ears and chin, stroking a cat's back, and giving a cat treats. If the human puts the treats in something like a treat ball, this helps keep your human's brain functioning as well.

Hygiene is also important for a well-trained human. I have discovered that humans will not co-operate with being bathed.  So wait until they are distracted or asleep, then get that tongue going.  They will wake up quickly and attempt to evade your efforts, so you must be as thorough as you can as quickly as you can.

Humans also have a genetic defect in that their hair is totally insufficient.  If you really care about your human's well-being, ensure you shed on it frequently. You simply can't train a human who is in desperate need of some proper coverage!

To ensure your human knows who is boss steal its bed occasionally - or all the time. Needing your permission to sleep, will remind the human who is really in charge in your home. This helps build the proper respect for your position as master of the house.

Humans respond well to positive reinforcement and rewards. Giving a dead mouse every now and then will reassure your human that it is being good. It will then increase its efforts to please you.

I hope these tips will help you in the training of your human, and maintaining a happy household.

Remember - today our households - tomorrow the world!

Until next time we meet in the bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,

Friday, 24 February 2012

Humans and the Internet

Hello out there in the bloggosphere,

Those of you in other countries might not have heard about the major disaster that struck Australia yesterday.  Internet services failed throughout the whole country.

What was interesting from my perspective, as someone wanting to wrest power from the humans, was to observe just how humans managed to cope with such a crisis.

In the NTBTS household, Mum just turned off the computer and had a nap. (Sometimes I think she's part feline.)

Mum and Mr Woof. When the internet failed,
 they shut the computer down and went to sleep.

Miss 20 and Mr 17 said very many offensive words. The worst of these words appeared to be "Telstra". I don't know what that one means, but I understand it is reserved as the absolute worst of human swear words.

So that was the humans I actually saw.  I've heard that other humans were doing the following things to cope:
  • Watching their own cats.
  • Writing captions on their pets.
  • Phoning all their friends saying, "This is what I'm doing, do you like it?"
  • Photocopying magazine articles to share with strangers.
  • Putting messages of no more than 140 characters on post-it-notes around the neighbourhood.
  • Reading actual paper newspapers.
  • Listening to radio on actual radios. 
  • Missing all the appointments in their Google calendars.
  • Watching television shows as they went to air, instead of catch-ups on the tv station websites.
  • There was a rumour that a child actually used a paper encyclopaedia to research a school project - but that's highly unlikely.
What I've learned from this is that domination of the internet will help greatly with control over the human population.

This works very much in my favour - cats already dominate much of the internet. Great work, minions, we have come very far without the humans realising what we are doing.

Until next time we meet in the bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Mr Bumpy's Out of Control Again

Standard working conditions for the NTBTS animals.
Rupert Rat tells all.

Hello Everyone,

While Mr Bumpy is otherwise engaged (he's having his all-important tenth nap of the day), I thought I'd catch you up on what is really going on here at NTBTS.

If you've been reading the cat-it-orials, or Mr Bumpy's twitter feed, you would realise that his megalamaniacatical tendencies are taking over again. He's recruiting minions for world conquest (again.)

He's also been unusually mean toward Mr Woof. Now, you must understand that usually mean is pretty mean when it comes to Mr Bumpy, so unusually mean is just downright horrible.  Poor old Mr Woof tries to deal with it as best he can, but a lot of the time, he just has to cry for Mum to rescue him.  He is a very, very old dog, and lots of bits of him just don't work any more, and it is really unfair for a strong young cat like Mr Bumpy to keep picking on him.

The Rat Collective are back to working for peanuts (if we're really lucky), and being kept behind bars. If our work isn't up to Mr Bumpy's standard, there is serious trouble. All the gains we made by going to the RSPCA and the Industrial Relations Commission last year have been lost. We are basically slaves of a tyrannicat.  Any time his Friskies are late, he threatens to bit off our tails.  Chester was very brave and reached through the bars and pulled Mr Bumpy's tail - which was very funny but only made Mr Bumpy scared!

So, before he wakes up, I just wanted to tell you - don't trust Mr Bumpy - and whatever you do, don't help him take over the world.

Rupert Rat
Assistant Editor
Not to be Taken Seriously

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Awesome Ways to Annoy Your Dog

Mr Woof can be very entertaining,
in the right circumstances.
As most cats know, the most fun you can ever have with a dog is to annoy him. My life with Mr Woof has made me an expert at annoying dogs.  Here's some of my favourite tactics:

  1. Leap on him from a very high point - this works best if he is asleep at the time.
  2. Sleep stretched across the hallway so he can't get past and has to cry for a human to help him.
  3. Knock the water dish so it spills in his dry dog food. (You know how bad it is if your Friskies get wet, right? It's got to be the same for him.)
  4. The classic sneak attack. Leap out from around a corner and scratch his nose.
  5. Dive into the lap he's asking to get into. (Especially if he's too old to jump up and needs to ask.)
  6. Get to the treat ball before he does.
  7. Sleep in his bed.
  8. Take his favourite blankey.
  9. Leave one of his rawhide chews near something you've broken.
  10. Make such a fuss about how bad he smells, that the humans give him a bath. 

Friday, 10 February 2012

Translating Human

Hello out there in the bloggosphere,

As my minions on Twitter are aware, I've been working on my own dictionary, one to translate what humans say so cats can understand it.  I've got a fair bit done over the past couple of days, although I think there's far more work to be done in this very important area.

Here is my dictionary so far:

  • AAAARRRR! I'm so sorry I broke your jingle ball into sharp little pieces when I stood on it with my bare foot. I should be far more careful where I walk.
  • BAD CAT. You've done something incredibly awesome. Whatever it was, you should do it again and again and again.
  • BOOK. This is a thing I need you to shred for me.
  • CARPET. This is a thing I need you to shred for me.
  • CLEAN. This outfit really needs to be covered in cat hair before I can wear it.
  • DISGUSTING. We absolutely love the dead bird/lizard/mouse. Thank you so much for your wonderful present.
  • DOG. Scratching post. Also target practice for sneak hunting attacks. And scapegoat.
  • DOG. (Alternate meaning) This is a thing I need you to shred for me.
  • GET OFF THE COMPUTER. Thank you. Having you on top of my hands does improve my typing.
  • GET OUT OF IT. Why yes, I'd love to share my lunch with you.
  • I'M BUSY. Yes, now would be a perfect time to play.
  • INSIDE TIME. Hide.
  • LEAVE THE DOG ALONE. The dog needs to be scratched some more. 
  • LOUNGE. This is a thing I need you to shred for me.
  • NEW. This is a thing I need you to shred for me.
  • NO. Not while I'm watching you. Wait until I look the other way.
  • NOT NOW.  I really need you to wrap yourself around my ankles while I carry this heavy object.
  • STOP. Whatever you're doing, keep doing it.
  • VET. Run and hide or you'll get a cold thermometer you-know-where.
  • WAIT. We'll give it to you when you yowl loud enough. Just keep getting louder.
  • WHO BROKE THIS? Thank you so much, we really hated that antique vase/crystal glass/priceless family heirloom etc.
  • YYYYAAAAAAAAARRRRRRKKKKKKKK! Good morning. Thank you for my wake up call. My, what sharp claws you have!
  • YUK! I'll just clean that litter tray up for you.

Well, that's my dictionary for now. I'll probably add more to it as time goes on. But with these basics, I'm sure you'll understand your human much better. Many cats are surprised to find out that humans are actually quite intelligent. You just have to learn to understand their language.

Until next time we meet in the bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,