Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Training Your Human

Look, it's daylight! Just get out of bed
and give me Friskies!
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Humans need not read this post - please go away. This is strictly for cats.

Are the humans gone? Good.

Right Minions, now it's just us, it's time for some serious business.

If we're serious about world domination, we have to begin in our own homes. We must ensure that our humans are properly trained.

The first thing we need to do is ensure they are on an appropriate schedule.  Nothing is worse than a human who is bored and does not know what it has to do next. Ensure your human always knows what it is time for.  Mine has a bad habit of sleeping past sunrise. To keep her in her routine, I have to go to the effort of waking her and telling her it is time to put food in my bowl. If I don't do this, she will just sleep until her alarm goes off.

Humans need to be told when it is time for cuddles, time for naps, time for food, time for play.  If you don't tell them, they will always get it wrong.  There is nothing more bothersome than a human who wants to play at nap time! So get in the habit of telling your human what to do and when to do it.

If your human is doing its own thing and ignoring you, demand attention! Walk between it's back feet - the ones it walks on. Remember they only walk on two of their legs, so they are easy to trip up. Humans have not evolved as far as we have and still do not really know what their front legs are for. If they are looking at a book or computer instead of you, simply jump on to whatever it is that is drawing your attention. Remember they are not very smart, and may actually think a book or computer is more important than you. They can learn to correct this thinking, but they do need your help.

Humans get bored easily, keep them occupied with activities like pouring Friskies and opening cans of fish.

They also need exercise.  Good exercise for a human is scratching a cat's ears and chin, stroking a cat's back, and giving a cat treats. If the human puts the treats in something like a treat ball, this helps keep your human's brain functioning as well.

Hygiene is also important for a well-trained human. I have discovered that humans will not co-operate with being bathed.  So wait until they are distracted or asleep, then get that tongue going.  They will wake up quickly and attempt to evade your efforts, so you must be as thorough as you can as quickly as you can.

Humans also have a genetic defect in that their hair is totally insufficient.  If you really care about your human's well-being, ensure you shed on it frequently. You simply can't train a human who is in desperate need of some proper coverage!

To ensure your human knows who is boss steal its bed occasionally - or all the time. Needing your permission to sleep, will remind the human who is really in charge in your home. This helps build the proper respect for your position as master of the house.

Humans respond well to positive reinforcement and rewards. Giving a dead mouse every now and then will reassure your human that it is being good. It will then increase its efforts to please you.

I hope these tips will help you in the training of your human, and maintaining a happy household.

Remember - today our households - tomorrow the world!

Until next time we meet in the bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,

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