Monday, 30 April 2012

Humans' Dumb Rules

They would not open the security door because I
was carrying a dead mouse. See rule #1.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

 I thought you might like to know about the horrendous conditions I live and work under. To that end, I'm going  to share with you some of the more ridiculous rules that humans have instituted around the NTBTS household.

I can't eat it if it lives in a cage. See rule #2
This lizard? He's a new friend. I wasn't planning to eat him.
See rule #3

Come on! Isn't that fat little tummy an invitation
to pounce? See rule #5
How would she know the alarm hasn't gone off yet,
if I didn't tell her? See rule #9
You're more than welcome to share my Friskies
and water. See rule #10
  1. The house is a corpse-free zone. I am not allowed to bring dead mice, grasshoppers, etc inside. Humans have serious double standards here. I have seen humans bring dead chickens or bits of other dead animals inside, cook them and eat them (and only saving small amounts for Mr Woof and for me). I don't see what the difference is if I bring in my own meat. I'm even willing to share! I have left gifts of my specially-caught food in Mum's slipper, under her bed, and even among the gifts under the Christmas tree. I'm not being selfish about it at all.
  2. Don't eat anything that lives in a cage. They keep rats in a cage, and birds in a cage. These things are food, are they not? If I found a rat in the yard no-one would object to me making a snack of it! Just because it's in a cage makes all the difference.
  3. It's OK to hunt wild rats and mice, grasshoppers who would eat the garden, even feral mina birds.  But I'm not to hunt native birds and lizards! Seriously, how illogical is that?  If it moves I hunt it. I may not look like a lion, but it's in my DNA to take down the wild beasts in my environment and devour them. I am king of the back yard!
  4. Lock up time makes no sense at all. They set a random time at night (which let's face it is the best hunting time), and say everyone has to be inside and the doors are locked.  This is because they all like to sleep during the night. Hello? Why do you think I nap for 20 hours a day? It's so I've got four good active hours in the middle of the night! Worst of all is the undignified way Mum calls us for lock up time: "Woof! Bumpy! Get your hairy little butts inside!" I'm sure every animal in the street hears that and laughs at us.
  5. No sneak attacks, sneak pounces, sneak biting or scratching of the dog. (In fact, no open attacks, pounces, biting or scratching of the dog.) Seriously! What have we got a dog for if it's not to play with him?
  6. No drinking out of the toilet. This one's really stupid. The water in the toilet gets changed at least half a dozen times a day, and no-one drinks it. The water in my bowl gets changed once a day (if I'm lucky)  and a dog slobbers in it regularly. Of course I prefer to drink out of the toilet. It's far more hygienic.
  7. Stay off the dining table, especially when people are eating. Well really. My bowl's on the floor. I don't insist they stay off the floor when I'm eating. 
  8. Stay out of the china cabinet? Why? Isn't that where the precious, decorative things go? Aren't I the most precious, decorative thing in the house?
  9. Don't wake Mum before the alarm goes off. Really that is just too stupid for words.  How will she know it's time to get up if she's not already awake to hear the alarm?
  10. Don't eat out of the people's dishes. Now, that's just plain selfish.  I don't say, "No, you can't share my Friskies or my water." 
I don't know about you, but I suspect that humans are the most irrational creatures on the planet! Because they're big, they sometimes make the mistake of thinking they're in charge and can make rules for much smarter animals than them. The rules they make are totally non-sensical of course, just as they are. Oh well, they are big, as well as dumb, and that gives them a certain degree of power.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere, 
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,

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