Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Ten Habits of a Highly Effective Cat

Highly effective cats like me always
know the most comfortable spots.
I want to share with you my vast wisdom from approximately seven years of being a cat. These are the rules I live by - the things that make me so good at being a cat.

  1. Have sufficient sleep. If I miss my after-breakfast-but-before-morning-tea-nap, I know that my whole day will be ruined. A truly effective cat sleeps at least 20 hours per day. This allows for maximum eating, destruction, prowling, and just general cattiness in the other four.
  2. Know who to blame. It doesn't matter what goes wrong, I always scratch or bite Mr Woof over it.  That way the stress is released.  Humans have terrible lives, because they constantly suffer from stress. An effective cat knows that stress is unhealthy, and releases it as soon as possible. Always having someone to blame makes this much easier.
  3. Protect your family. That psycho dog around the corner that jumped up in the air and bit Mr Woof's arthritic leg, when Mum was holding Mr Woof over her head trying to keep him out of reach? That dog has been suitably punished. Mr Woof is my dog. I am the only one who can hurt him. 
  4. Know the neighbours and the neighbourhood. A couple of years ago, there was a huge storm in our suburb. Trees were knocked over all through our street, houses lost their roofs.  Mum ad Mr 18 (who was only 15 or 16 then) were looking at the mess in our yard, and trying to work out how to get the remains of someone's carport dislodged from under the clothes line. A man they didn't know, came from across the street to check that I was OK. He was retired, so he had time to hang out with me when my humans were at work and school. We were really good friends, and my humans had no idea.
  5. If it's in your house and moves, kill it. I know Mum has some objections to this habit of mine. But if the moving thing under her blanket was some day something other than her foot, or hand, or whatever, she would really appreciate my diligence in this area.
  6. Check everything for yourself. Mum may say she's making people food and I won't want it, but how will I know she's telling the truth unless I get up on the bench and stick my head right in front of what she's doing? Yes, she yells and someone comes and drags me away, but if I don't check for myself I have to take a human's word for it.
  7. Learn how to take your collar off - especially if it's got a tag with your name and phone number. Let's face it, there are some times you just don't want to be identified. You know what I'm talking about. (And so does the psycho dog around the corner.)
  8. Even if you don't win straight away, keep working at it and aim to win. When the kookaburra and I got into a fight, the humans took us both to the vets.  I walked out, kooka didn't.  The humans were mad at me over that, but they they're only humans and don't understand the principle at stake. The vet told me not to fight with anything that eats carrion because their bites always get infected, but he doesn't understand a cat's honour.
  9. Know the most comfortable spots in the house. You won't get good quality naps if you're not in the most comfortable spot.  I go for the furry blankey on a cool day, on top of a warm human at night, and in the shade in the catnip patch on a warm afternoon. 
  10. Keep your humans properly trained. Always make sure they get up to give you stinky fish and Friskies on time.

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