Thursday, 28 June 2012

World Domination 101 - Respect

"They put one of yours in the hospital.....
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

As you know, I'm an expert on world domination. As Supreme Feline Overlord, there is one thing I demand above everything else, and that is: Respect.

As regular readers will be aware, I was recently shown a great deal of disrespect. My ear was attacked by the rebel feral mina birds.

Mina birds are the lowest form of life on earth - not even Mum likes them because they drive out the native birds.  Mr Woof and I don't like them because they get together in savage flocks reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock's movie The Birds and swoop us. They are razor beaks on super-fast wings, and when ten or more of these feathered kamikasis come at the same time, it is almost impossible to escape. Mina birds are nothing short of terrorists. put one of theirs in the morgue."
So how do I deal with these evil, organised, rebel forces?

I take advice from Hollywood actor Sean Cattery: "They put one of yours in the hospital, you put one of theirs in the morgue."

A cold, rainy day, when they're trying to stay warm and not flying, is a great time to get them unaware.

(A little digression: look at the picture. My ear's almost healed, despite Mum's insistence on cleaning it and sticking antiseptic powder on it. I'm just about back to my usual, handsome, self.)

This morning, I took my revenge sought justice for the trauma to my poor ear.

This is how I maintain respect. I will not allow these kinds of terrorist actions to go unpunished.  I know some people have a problem with capital punishment - but in my yard, I am judge, jury, and executioner. The Supreme Feline Overlord does not allow for lawlessness and violence.

There was one downside to my victory. Apparently, the no corpses in the house rule still applies on cold, rainy days.  This is an entirely unreasonable decision on Mum's part. I told her numerous times that I was waiting at the courtyard door, but she wouldn't slide the door open. Apparently, she needs more training. I'll deal with her later, the mina birds are a more urgent problem.

Until next time we meet in the bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

It's Raining (With Apologies to Buddy Holly)

I keep looking out at my courtyard - but it's still raining.
It's winter time
here in Bris,
it should be fine,
or so Mum says,
but it's raining,
raining in our yard.

I should be out
digging up the plants,
Instead I'm in,
which ruined my plans,
cause it's raining,
raining in our yard.

I went outside
for a little while
I got so cold
and soaking wet,
cause it's raining,
raining in our yard.

I'm in Mum's bed
trying to get warm
she says I'm bad
I brought in mud
but it's raining,
raining in our yard.

I'm breaking stuff
because I'm bored
least I don't bark
like the bored dog
cause it's raining
raining in our yard.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Accepting the Sunshine Award

The Sunshine Blog Award
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

You may have realised that I'm not the kind of cat who goes in for the beauty-pagent type cat shows. But I am pleased to announce I am still an award-winning cat.

In the past month I have been awarded the Sunshine Blog Award, not once, but twice.  This of course advances my work towards total world domination dramatically.

I first received the Sunshine Award from my Minion Dugal, and his associates at Three Aussie Cats. These three fine felines clearly recognise blogging excellence.

Then I received it from my Minion Gemma, who looks something like a dog, but is in fact an honorary cat. You can read her work at Gemma's Little Gems.

In accepting this award, I have to share with you some things about myself. These questions are all highly personal, so I hope you'll respect my privacy and not go telling this information to just anyone.

Favourite number: 18, because my favourite human is Mr 18. Next year, when he turns 19, my favourite number will change.

Favourite non-alcoholic drink: Cream. I have lactose-free cream so it won't upset my delicate constitution.

Facebook or Twitter: I have both, but I only have about eight minions on Facebook, and about 800 on Twitter.  I believe Twitter will be a much better tool for my quest to rule the world.

My passion: World domination. Humans really are not competent to control the planet - you know what a mess they've made of the job.  I believe it's up to me to fix the problems.

Favourite pattern: Muddy paw prints. They look great over the car windscreen, across Mum's bedspread, along benches, pretty much anywhere.

Favourite day of the week: The days Mr 18 stays with me instead of going to TAFE.

Favourite flower: Catnip. Mum says that's not strictly speaking a flower, but if I'm ruling the world I can decide what is and isn't a flower!

The other part of accepting the award is to give it away to ten other blogs. This was a hard one for me.  Most of my Minions who have blogs have already received the award.  Mum said she knew some awesome lupus bloggers who deserved an award - but they're all humans and really, do we want to encourage humans at anything? In the end, I decided to do some of both - five awards to my minions, and five to Mum's lupus bloggers.

  1. Billy the Pig
  2. Cat Food Breath
  3. Cat's Life
  4. Jessie and Jane
  5. Swiss Cat's Ideas
  6. A Lupie Existence
  7. Lissa's World
  8. Takin' Pills and Payin' Bills
  9. Lupus Interrupted
  10. Lupie Cave

In conclusion. I thoroughly deserve this award. I am, after all, an absolutely awesome cat.

Until next time we meet in the bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,

Friday, 15 June 2012

Where Would I Go?

I could handle a fancy restaurant, couldn't I?
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Mum, Mr Woof and I were having our late morning nap on Mum's bed. (It was actually lunch-time, we're a bit behind schedule today.) Miss 20 came in and said: "I didn't know you three were home."

After she left, Mum looked at Mr Woof and me and said: "Where do you suppose she thought we'd all gone? There's a pub around the corner, but you boys couldn't get in. You've got collars, but no shoes."

Well, really, that sounds to me like the dress code's overly strict there.

So I started to wonder about the places humans go that I'd like to try:

Stowing away in Miss 20's uni bag.

  • Mr 18 goes to TAFE. He takes his computer. I like sitting on his lap and helping him with the computer, so maybe I'd like TAFE.
  • Miss 20 goes to uni.  I tried to get into her uni bag once to see what happens there, but she found out and so the cat was out of the bag.
  • Mum once brought some fish and chips home from a place called the fish and chip shop.  I don't like chips, but somehow I think I'd love to go to the fish and chip shop.
  • There's also a place called the supermarket. That's where Friskies, stinky fish, and cream live before they come to our house.  I'd love to go see them in the wild and maybe even catch my own.
  • Mum goes to a lot of meetings.  I don't quite know what happens there, but anything with "meat" in the name has to be good, right?
I think most of the places the humans go sound really interesting. 

There's really only one place I don't want to go.  I'm sure all my Minions know what that evil, terrible, place is: the v-e-t!  Actually our vets are very nice.  I've even climbed over one of them and given him a really good smooch. The problem is that the first thing they do when I get there is pull up my tail and stick a very cold thermometer you-know-where.  I think they should warm it up first, but Mum says that would defeat the purpose - whatever that means.
The other terrible thing the v-e-t does is stick a long, sharp, metal thing called a needle in me.  A needle always hurts.  Mum says it's so I won't get really sick and hurt a lot more. I'm not sure about that. I might or might not get sick and hurt if I don't have the needle. I will hurt if I do have the needle. Mum says I should just get over it, everyone else has needles too. (But I've never seen her get needles, she just comes back from her blood tests with tape on her arm and says that's where she got her needle. How do I know if she's telling the truth?  That's another place to add to my list.  I'd like to go to the blood test place and watch to see if Mum really does get needles.)

So there we are. That's lots of exciting places I'd like to go, and one I'd like to avoid.  All this thinking about going places has got me really tired.  I'm going back to Mum's bed for a nap. (I think Mum and Mr Woof are already there.)

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Ear, Ear

It's a great mystery - and I'm not telling the humans
what happened to my ear.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I'm sure you'll be concerned to know that I'm at the centre of a medical mystery.

Something has attacked my ears.  I'm not saying what - because that would mean admitting what trouble I was getting into at the time.  The humans have no doubts whatsoever that I earned my injury. Apparently they know me very well.

I have had some problems with the mina birds lately. Those are the horrible feral birds that even Mum doesn't mind me killing.. Mum doesn't mind me killing them, because they drive out all the native birds - which she doesn't want me to kill.

For the first few weeks or so of winter last year, they were very aggressive towards both Mr Woof and me .  Up to ten at a time would swoop me every time I went outside. It got so I would stand at the doorway and just look out, and never go anywhere. The humans just said the birds were getting even - although once in a while, Mum would come out and wave a broom around to scare the birds so Mr Woof and I could have a few minutes outside.

Well, it's starting again. When I go outside, a flock of savage razor beaks with wings swoops from the heavens and tries to get a piece out of me.  That's what the humans think did get a piece of me. I will neither confirm nor deny this.

I refuse to confirm or deny the theory
that the mina birds got me.
It doesn't really matter what got a piece out of my ear. What's really bad is what the humans are doing to it now.

Mum has decreed, in that irrational way humans decree things that have nothing to do with them, that my ear has to be washed with salty water twice a day and have styptic powder put on it.

Worst of all, my favourite human, Mr 18, is colluding with Mum in this terrible invasion of my dignity. He holds me still while Mum attacks with the salty water and yucky powder. (On the plus side, he does still love me. I know because he gave me cream to say sorry.)

I do deserve lots of cream and sympathy, because the humans have been doing terrible things to me, and don't seem to be going to stop any time soon.

I'm off to drink some more sympathy cream, and have a long nap. It's been a very trying day.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,

Monday, 11 June 2012

What's In A Name?

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

My bloggiversary is coming up.  Not To Be Taken Seriously will be a year old.  Mum is thinking of getting me my own domain name to celebrate.

So now, I'm thinking of possible domain names.  I have the opportunity to change the name of the whole blog to match the new domain name if I want.  I could stick with what I have now, and call it nottobetakenseriously or ntbts, but I'm thinking I could do something new and completely different.

Here are some ideas. Some of them are mine, some from Twitter Minions.  Let me know which ones you like, or give me more ideas if you have them.

  • nottobetakenseriuosly
  • ntbts
  • bloggercat
  • cattails
  • worlddomination
  • justobeythecat
  • stinkyfishandfriskies
  • jingleball
  • megalomanicat
  • beveryafraid
  • catsrule
  • kingcat
  • supremeoverlordoftheworld
  • teethandclaws
  • youknowyouloveme
  • awesomecat
  • dogfreezone
  • steelclawvelvetpaw

Of course, while I'm looking at reinventing my blog, I should look at content too. What would you like to see in the blog in future? Do you want more cat-it-orials? More jokes (you have to forward me jokes I can use for that)? More pictures of me? Do you want to hear from the other animals in the NTBTS household more often? (No, of course you don't want to hear from them, they're boring, and they say terrible things about me.)

Well, please get back to me with your opinions.  I have until the end of the month to decide.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy

Friday, 8 June 2012

Cats With Thumbs

Twitter Minion @Dogstrustjoey just sent me the link to this ad! We need ads like this on Australian TV.

My Favourite Things

Black metal with Mr 18.
Stinky fish and Friskies
and cream for my breakfast
Brushies and cuddles
and warm furry blankies
Black metal music with Mr 18
These are a few of my favourite things.

Breaking the china
and scaring the budgies
Pouncing the dog
when he doesn't expect it
Waking up Mum when she's trying to sleep
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the dog barks,
When the wind blows,
When I just get mad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I start to demand!

Monday, 4 June 2012

Things Humans Hate

Mr Woof kept the humans awake most of last night.
Humans hate being kept awake.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Last night, Mr Woof needed to go out to wee about six times between midnight and 3am.  Of course, he barked and woke all the humans up each time, before Mum took him out.

The humans were very grumpy this morning.

So I thought that those of you who are actually interested in keeping your humans happy (as you know I really don't care either way) might like to know what things humans really hate.

  1. Humans hate missing sleep of a night-time.  If you keep them awake like Mr Woof did, they don't like it.
  2. Humans hate it if you wee or poo on the carpet, especially if they find it by stepping in it.
  3. Humans hate it if you tear up their special pieces of paper - ones kept on desks, or in books usually count as special.
  4. Humans hate it if you knock things off the shelves and break them.
  5. Humans hate to share their food. They get very upset if you eat or drink out of their dishes.
  6. Humans hate falling over. They especially hate it if you walk between their feet and make them fall over while they are carrying things.  Humans are very clumsy with their long ungainly legs (and they only walk on two of them). They fall over easily.
  7. Humans hate when you leave your hunting trophies in their beds, wardrobes, slippers, etc.
  8. Humans hate being cold. They get upset if you pull all the covers off them on a cold night.
  9. Humans hate it when you hide their toys. The little jingly ones they carry when they open doors or go in the car, are especially important to them.  They won't accept one of your jingle balls as a substitute.
  10. Humans hate when you climb on their clothes, or hang on with your claws or teeth and dangle off their clothes. They especially hate it when it's their going special places clothes.
I hope those of you who like happy humans find this useful.  Those of you who like to annoy your humans might also find it useful.

Until next time we meet in the bloggosphere, 
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,