Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Responsible Pet Ownership

Image Mr Bumpy's paw, with outline map of Australia.  Text: Election Countdown 88.
Hello out there in the Bloggopshere,

I'm sure you'll all be pleased to know that the Feline Pawty believes in responsible pet ownership.

To that end, all animals will be required to have their domestic humans registered and micro-chipped. I had considered a de-sexing law, but will opt for controlled breeding instead.

(By the way, Billy the Pig, Feline Pawty candidate for Wide Bay earlier this year wrote an excellent article on breeding humans.)

So, not only will humans be trained in the appropriate service of cats, but cats and other animals who
Image Mum asleep, with Mr Bumpy on top of her, watching her very closely.
"Humans require close supervision." - Mr Bumpy.
keep humans will be trained in the care of those humans.

For example, did you know that some animals leave their humans unsupervised for hours at a time? They could get up to anything!

Watch your humans closely.  Especially if they are in a room that has water.  No human should ever be left alone in the laundry, bathroom, or kitchen. They will object to this supervision.  They will say things like: "I can't see you over this washing basket, get out of the way or I'll stand on you", "There's really no secret way out of the bathroom, I'm not going to escape. You don't have to come in and watch me."  or even "Can I at least cook a meal without you under my feet?"  Ignore all these protests.  They are just ways to try to get you to leave them unsupervised, so they can get up to mischief. Remember, never, ever, ever leave your human alone in a room where there's water.

Another thing humans will try to do, if you let them, is close the door. You can circumvent this by standing right in the doorway, acting as if you can't decide whether to be in or out. If you let your human close the door, what will you do when prey or an attacker appears on the other side of it? How will you get out to be the hero of your domain?  Do not let a human close the door. (The exception to this is if you are being attacked by terrorist Mina Birds.  Then you can run inside and get your human to shut the door as soon as you are safe inside.)

Image: Mr Bumpy licking out a lactose-free ice cream tub.
"Eat the treats for them." - Mr Bumpy.
Limit the availability of treats.  Treats make humans fat and sick.  Eat the treat for them, especially if the treat is lactose free ice-cream, lactose-free cream, lactose-free milk, fish or meat. If the treat is anything else, get the dog to eat it for them.  This is in your human's best interests.  You don't want them getting sick.  The one human treat neither you nor the dog should eat is chocolate. That's even worse for you than it is for your human.  Whenever possible, save your humans from treats. 

No matter how vigilant you are, sometimes a human will escape from the house without you.  When this happens make sure they feel guilty for this.  I don't often praise Mr Woof, but he is incredibly good at this.  When he sees Mum is getting ready to leave the house, he starts trembling, and he cries. Yesterday, when Mum was getting ready to go to her doctor's appointment, Mr Woof went into his act spectacularly.  Mum told him Mr 19 was going to stay home with him, but he still cried and shook as if his whole world was falling apart. Eventually, Mr 19 said to him: "Woof, you're a whiny little son of a bitch. Also you're adopted." Even after that, Mr Woof kept up his performance.  No one does guilting the humans like Mr Woof does. So learn a lesson from Mr Woof: make your human feel guilty if it leaves you at all.

And my last piece of advice for now, is to not let your human get cold.  I know that summer here in Brisbane gets hot, but even in hot weather there's a risk that your human will get too cold.  Humans don't have that much hair.  Well, Mr 19 has lots of hair, but it's all on his head.  So, whenever they stay still, make sure you're on top of them.  They may complain about your hair on their good clothes, or that you've been rolling in the dirt, or whatever.  But remember, no matter how hot it is, no matter how dirty you happen to be, no matter what your human is wearing, an almost-hairless human always needs your warmth.

So those are my beginners' tips.  But after the election, when the Feline Pawty wins, there'll be a full government-funded education program available to teach you how to care for your pet human properly.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Image: Mr Bumpy's paw, with his name written across it.

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Feline Pawty Prime Minispurrial Candidate.

1 comment:

  1. Excellent advices ! I'll mention it in my high level education program. Loupi


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