Friday, 30 August 2013

Mr Bumpy's Personal Diary - No Humans Allowed!

Wednesday, 28 August, 2013

The day started out so well. I caught one of those miserable mina birds.  Well, that's one less of those little terrorists to dive bomb me. I still have the scar on my ear from when one of them got me over a year ago.

Of course I brought my kill inside.  This "no corpses in the house" rule was only imposed by humans.  Humans, they think they're so superior, making rules for cats.  When I'm Prime Minispurr, we'll see who makes the rules for who. 

I took it under the bed, right in the middle where the humans can't reach, so I wouldn't be disturbed....  I had a great time.  It was so funny seeing humans have to move the bed so they could clean it up. And of course Mum moaned about her arthritis the whole time she was cleaning it up. It was hilarious. Love to see a human moaning on their hands and knees....  They think they're superior walking around just on their back legs.  When they have to get down and walk properly they can't cope. 

But then Mum said "house arrest" and shut the door. 

House arrest, for me!!!! That's just not right.  

And the humans really meant it.  

Mr Woof says he needs to go out for a wee and they just let him out, but they hold on to me, so I can't get out as well. I say I need to go out for a wee, and Mum says to use my litter tray.

Dumb dog says he wants to go out for some sunshine and Mum just lets him go.  I say I need some fresh air and sunshine, and Mum shoves me through the cat door into my fortress.  It's actually really nice out in my fortress, and no-one bothers me there, no humans, dogs, mina birds, it's all my own space, and I've got cat grass and cat mint, and jingle balls and a scratching post and.... What was I saying.  Yes, of all the indignities, just shoved into my fortress when I wanted to go outside!

Thursday, 29 August, 2013

The Daily Muck got the story of my conviction.  Of course they did. Gutter press, they're into everything.  I bet they wouldn't carry on if one of the human candidates was under house arrest for a little murder and breach of the "no corpses in the house" rule.

Sometimes I think there may be an informant in my own household, I just have to find out who....

Fang Budgie keeps calling me a "twit", which is really annoying. Budgie Towers is outside on the patio, I can see it from my fortress, but can't get to it, so it's really hard to intimidate her into shutting up.

I made a dash for freedom today.  Mr 19 was coming in with his uni bag and stuff, so I darted out as he opened the door.  I hid in the garden, and watched the humans.  They pretended they weren't desperately searching for me, but I know they were.  I'm the only thing they ever think about.

Then I was betrayed by stinky fish.

Mum put it in my bowl.  

I can't stay outside if I can smell stinky fish.

Once I was inside, the door was shut behind me again. 

Friday, 30 August, 2013

The election is a week from tomorrow, and I'm the only Prime Minispurrial Candidate under house arrest!  Mr Abbott and Mr Rudd are out there campaigning, and I'm stuck inside.

OK Mr Assange is stuck in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, but he's only running for the Senate.  Even Mr Katter and Mr Palmer are getting more campaigning done than me.

I made up my mind this morning that I had to escape no matter what.

I timed my move perfectly, as Mr Woof was being let out for his morning wee, I darted out from under the coffee table, gracefully lept over the dog, touched down on the patio tiles and immediately made another leap into the garden.

Then I heard the humans who live in the roof come down. The small ones always want to play with me.

So I had to hide.

Thankfully, Mum opened the door and let me dart inside to safety.... wait... what? 

I bet Mr Rudd and Mr Abbott never have this problem.

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Murder and Mayhem

The Daily Muck
Murder and Mayhem in Suburbia
by Erma Sludge

Behind bars: Mr Bumpy shows no remorse
for his crime spree.
Feline Pawty leader and Prime Minispurrial Candidate Mr Bumpy is in trouble again.

He is currently under house arrest, following an incident yesterday.

Mr Bumpy allegedly kidnapped an innocent bird, killed it, took it inside and dismembered and ate it under Mum's bed and then puked it back up under the same bed.

It is understood that Mum had to move the bed to clean up the mess.

Mr Bumpy refused to be interviewed by The Daily Muck, but a post on his Facebook page showed his lack of remorse.

House arrest! Really! What's a little murder and mayhem? The bird started it.

Mr Bumpy has been charged with: murder, breaking the "no corpses in the house" rule, and general grossness.

Mr Woof, seen playing in the yard was asked about the state of the Mr Bumpy's legal case.  He said, "Mum's pretty mad at Bumps, she even used the b-word. 

"Bumps is tough, though.  He doesn't cry when he's called 'bad', like I do.

"But I don't think he's coming out to play any time soon."

With the Federal Election little more than a week away, the Feline Pawty cannot afford this latest scandal involving their leader.

Monday, 26 August 2013

The Daily Muck

The Daily Muck

The Non-human Vote Splits
by Erma Sludge

With 12 days to go to election,
the non-human vote is splintering.
With 12 days to go until the Australian Election, there's increasing pressure on Australia's first non-
human political party.

Mr Bumpy, Feline Pawty leader and Prime Minispurrial Candidate claims to not be worried about the other animal political parties that are forming, but sources close to him say he is actually very frightened the fragmenting non-human vote will cost him the election.

A small yellow budgerigar, who does not wish to be named, said Mr Bumpy was a "twit", and was sitting on his tail when he should be working on bringing all the animal parties into a catalition.

A second party, the AUP appeared on Twitter some months ago, and most recently Murphy Cavoodle has been campaigning to become Prime Minister.

While Mr Rudd and Mr Abbott have both said that in the event of a hung parliament, they will not negotiate with the Greens for another minority government, Mr Bumpy may have no choice but to band with other parties which have not formed an official catalition with the Feline Pawty, if he has any hope of having any real influence on the Australia Purrliament. 

Mr Bumpy however, said he was down, but not out. "It's very nice of the Daily Muck and Ms Sludge to be so concerned about my electoral position," he said. "But really, the human vote's always been split, and yet humans have always won the elections.  Splitting the non-human vote does not necessarily mean that we can't have a non-human government."

The Daily Muck, believes splitting the non-human vote is sounding the death-knell for animal politics, and Mr Bumpy and his ilk may as well just pack up and go home.


Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,
Mr Wayne Swan, who is not a swan,
but a human, and the current Member
for Lilley. 

I'm feeling quite put out at the moment.  

You see, Miss 21's got a blog going. She's interviewing all of the candidates in Lilley, the seat I'm running for in Federal Parliament. 

Her blog is called Eyes on Lilley, and it's really very good, except for one thing.  

She's interviewing all the human candidates, and doing profiles on them.  But she's not interviewing me!

She says she's doing this for University and the University's not interested in the Feline Pawty. Can you imagine that? An institution of higher learning is not interested in the newest, most exciting movement in Australian politics! That is outrageous! 

I'm going to have to talk to Loupi, the Feline Pawty's Shadow Minispurr for Education, about this. When we win the election, this is one thing that's really going to have to change.

Miss 21's latest interview, which is going to be on her blog soon, is with Mr Wayne Swan.  He may sound like he should be a bird, but Mr Swan's a human. He's the sitting member, former Deputy Prime Minister, and former Treasurer.  He's my biggest competition in this campaign, at least for my seat.  Of course, for Prime Minispurr, I'm competing against Mr Rudd and Mr Abbott as well. But I have to win Lilley to get into Purrliament at all.

So what would my profile have looked like if it had appeared in "Eyes on Lilley?"

I like to think it would have been something like this:

Meet Your Candidate: Mr Bumpy
(Feline Pawty)

Feline Pawty Leader and Candidate for
Lilley, Mr Bumpy.
Mr Bumpy is the founder and leader of the Feline Pawty, Australia's first non-human political party.

He dreams of an Australia where there is no homelessness, where everyone has cream and stinky fish to eat, and there are jingle balls and catnip for all. Mr Bumpy said it wasn't just a dream, he had a definite plan.

Apart from concerns about national issues such as asylum seekers, he also has an acute awareness of the issues of the Lilley electorate.

"There's a serious catnip shortage in Lilley," Mr Bumpy said. "Every time Mum goes to buy a new plant, they've sold out.  She's been able to buy me cat grass and cat mint, but there's just never any nip plants available.  This is totally unacceptable, and as your local member I will do something about it.  In fact, as Prime Minispurr, I'll make sure there's always nip available nation-wide."

So, when you read "Eyes on Lilley", and see my competition in my own electorate, you'll just have to imagine that my entry's there as well.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Feline Pawty Prime Minispurrial Candidate.

Friday, 23 August 2013

The Daily Muck EXCLUSIVE

The Daily Muck


Prime Minispurrial Candidate Hits Rock Bottom!

by Erma Sludge

The Daily Muck has come into possession of photos which show the dark side of one of Australia's most popular politicians.

Feline Party Prime Minispurrial Candidate Mr Bumpy puts himself forward has a clean-living good guy. These photos, both taken in the past two days, show him to be anything but the wholesome influence he pretends to be.

Mr Bumpy, stealing from the garbage.

In the first of these pictures, Mr Bumpy has his head in a garbage bin.  

The Daily Muck has been told he was attempting to steal a bone from the family's roast dinner that night.  He had been given actual meat from the roast as well as his stinky fish and should not have been hungry.

When asked about the incident, Mr Bumpy said: "What a feline overlord does in the privacy of his own kitchen is his own business, and no-one else's.

"I was not stealing from the bin.  I was investigating an important matter, but as it was related to an Official Feline Secret, I am not at liberty to say what it was."

The Daily Muck has noted that Mr Bumpy uses Official Feline Secrets to cover many things he does not want to explain. 

In a second photograph, taken today, Mr Bumpy is seen covered in dirt, bits of leaf, and other materials. 
"Clean living" Mr Bumpy - not really!

Asked about this, he said, "The pupparrazzi really have outdone themselves this time, haven't they?

"Seriously. I'd been out in the garden.  Everyone gets dirty when they're gardening. 

"If that's the worst you've got against me, you're really scraping the bottom of the barrell."

The Daily Muck asked some of the other residents of Mr Bumpy's household about the real Mr Bumpy.

Mr Woof, doggsbody, said: "I really couldn't tell you anything. Bumps wouldn't like it. I'd be in trouble."

Sapphire Budgie said, "Twit!"

Fang Budgie said, "Cheep!"

Clearly, this politician's true character is nothing like his public persona.

Wednesday, 21 August 2013


Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Well in a week where a candidate from one of the human parties was disendorsed because of one of his hobbies, I thought I should reassure you that Feline Pawty members all have healthy hobbies, which often involve giving our humans something to keep them occupied as well.

I, for example, have taught my humans how to throw a jingle ball for me to chase.

Mr Woof prefers to relax with tummy scratchies.

It's all good, wholesome fun, for Feline Pawty candidates.  (Not like some of those humans who seem to just need to be offensive.)

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Feline Pawty Prime Minispurrial Candidate.

Saturday, 17 August 2013

The Election Campaign So Far

"I'm not the only Prime Minispurrial
candidate who will walk all over you,
but I am the cutest!" - Mr Bumpy.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Well, how is the election campaign going so far?

In the past week, we've found out that Mr Abbott thinks wisdom belongs in a suppository, and that he considers "sex appeal" to be a good thing in his female candidates, and talking about marriage equality as "a radical change based on the fashion of the moment".

Mr Rudd has continued to take selfies, be upstaged by small humans, and send humans who are running away from dangerous places to other dangerous places.

Mr Abbott's main policies are to abolish the carbon tax (which Mr Rudd has already abolished), to stop the boats, and to insult Mr Rudd.

Mr Rudd's main policies are to improve the internet, to stop the boats, and to insult Mr Abbott.

Mr Abbott wants to fix the economy and increase jobs by sacking lots of people who work in government jobs.  (The same way Mr Newman has done in Queensland.) That makes sense if you keep your wisdom in a suppository.

Mr Rudd says the economy doesn't need to be fixed because it made it through the Global Financial Crisis without losing its AAA credit rating, and our per capita debt is incredibly low.

I'm not especially worried about the economy, because The Conversation's election fact check has found that yes, Mr Rudd is right, and the economy's fine.

On the other paw, I think both of the major parties are wrong about asylum seekers. I think, if we want to stop people from risking their lives on unseaworthy boats, we shouldn't punish them when they get here - we should help them before they leave Indonesia, and give them a safe alternative. Really, would you like to travel from Indonesia to Australia in a leaky boat?  Your paws would get wet!

So, well, what can I say about all of that?  I think the big thing for you voters to remember is that if you check Politifacts or The Conversation's Election Fact Checks, you will never find any instance where they have found me lying or telling half-truths.  How many other potential Prime Minispurrs can say that?

If you vote for me, I'll probably walk all over you the same as any other Prime Minispurr would. But I'll be much cuter than them while I do it. And I'll always be scrupulously honest.  And I'll keep asylum seekers safe from wet paws.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Feline Pawty Prime Minispurrial Candidate.

Saturday, 10 August 2013

Convincing the Electorate

Mr Woof: (With lots of excited barking and tail wagging.)  It's a lizard! A lizard! There's a lizard in our yard! A lizard! A...  Oh wait....  Ahem.  Hello Mr Lizard.  My name's Woof. I'm a Feline Pawty candidate in next month's Federal Election.

Lizard: Go away and leave me alone.

Mr Woof:  The Feline Pawty's not just about cats, oh no, no, no, no.  It's about the interests of all animals. Don't you think its a bit ruff that the humans control everything?  Well Mr Bumpy thinks so, he's our leader - he'll be Prime Minispurr when he's elected.  He says animals are much better equipped to run the country than silly old humans.

Lizard: Go away.

Mr Bumpy: (Running from the other side of the garden.) What's this? O hello.  My name's Mr Bumpy. I'm from Queensland and I'm here to help.

Mr Woof: I think Mr Rudd's already taken that line, Bumps.

Mr Bumpy:  And this is Mr Woof, he's from Queensland and he's here to help, too.

Mr Woof: I think Mr Rudd used that as well, when he brought Mr Beatty out of retirement. You've got to come up with something original. You don't want people thinking you're Rudd Light.

Mr Bumpy: Well, what's important is just how much difference your vote can make next month.

Lizard: (Puffing himself up to twice his size and hissing.) I said go away and leave me alone!

Mum: (Coming up behind Mr Woof and Mr Bumpy and scooping one animal up in each hand.) OK, you two.  Leave him alone. He doesn't want the pair of you harassing him.

Mr Bumpy: Mum! You can't do that. It's against the rules.

Mr Woof: (Wriggling.) Mum! I just want to talk to him!

(Mum carries both mini-politicians inside and closes the door.)

Mr Woof: I bet Mr Rudd's mum doesn't stop him from campaigning.

Mr Bumpy: Mr Abbott's mum doesn't even stop him appearing in public in lycra.

Mr Woof: How are we going to get votes if we can't even talk to the voters?

Mr Bumpy: I wonder if he's still there.  I should be able to see him from my fortress.  (Leaps gracefully up to the cat pedestal, climbs through the cat-flap to his fortress.)  Oh no, he's gone.

Mr Woof: Maybe his mum took him inside, too.

Mr Bumpy:  We've really got to step our campaign up.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Care of the Elderly

Image: A human sits on the edge of the couch, so as not to disturb Mr Woof who is sleeping behind him.
"Never disturb a sleeping old dog" - Mr Woof.
Hello Everyone,

You know the election date's been set again - now it's going to be the 7th of September.  So Mr Bumpy says he wants the Feline Pawty out and campaigning.

I've been campaigning on the bed, on the couch, and sometimes in a sunny patch of the yard.

Do you remember that Bumps gave me an important job for the Feline Pawty?

I'm going to be the Minispurr for the ageing.

I'm an expert on getting old.

I think the big thing about dealing with anyone who is getting old, is to know that they need extra care and consideration.  We can't do the things we used to.

I get some special considerations now, that I didn't as a young pup. And I think this is important for anyone who isn't a young pup any more.

So what happens differently now?

When I was a pup, I was put to bed in my bed, but during the night I would "fall" up into Mum's bed.  Now, if I want to sleep in Mum's bed, I ask and she picks me up.

When I was a pup, I only ever got a taste of the humans' food when they finished dinner.  Now, when Mum's cutting up a roast, little bits tend to just fall into my dish.

When I was a pup, people would move me off the couch when they wanted to sit down.  Now they very carefully sit near me, or on the edge of the couch. Where I want to be, I get to be.

When I was a pup, baths on cold days meant getting out of a warm bath into a cold room.  Now, the humans put on a heater to warm the room while they run my bath.  Mr 19 never bothers with the heater when he has a shower. Mum only uses it on very cold days. Me, I get the heater and a warm bath and then snuggled in a big soft towel.

When I was a pup, most visitors came to see the humans.  Now, most visitors seem to be here to give me scratchies.  One visitor gave me so many tummy rubs and scratchies, I had to sleep for four hours to recover.  Whenever Miss 21 comes to visit she tells me I'm the best dog in the world.

Everyone takes extra care of me now - well, everyone except Bumps.

So, when I'm Minispurr for Ageing, I want to make sure all oldies get extra care. Because that's what we need.  Old dogs need to know they're the best dog in the world to their humans.  Old humans need to know they're the best human in the world to someone. And we all need help with some things that we just can't do for ourselves any more.

Well I'm off to go and do some campaigning.  Just after I have a nap.

Licks and tail wags.

Mr Woof,
Feline Pawty Candidate for Perth.
Shadow Minispurr for Ageing.