Friday, 30 August 2013

Mr Bumpy's Personal Diary - No Humans Allowed!

Wednesday, 28 August, 2013

The day started out so well. I caught one of those miserable mina birds.  Well, that's one less of those little terrorists to dive bomb me. I still have the scar on my ear from when one of them got me over a year ago.

Of course I brought my kill inside.  This "no corpses in the house" rule was only imposed by humans.  Humans, they think they're so superior, making rules for cats.  When I'm Prime Minispurr, we'll see who makes the rules for who. 

I took it under the bed, right in the middle where the humans can't reach, so I wouldn't be disturbed....  I had a great time.  It was so funny seeing humans have to move the bed so they could clean it up. And of course Mum moaned about her arthritis the whole time she was cleaning it up. It was hilarious. Love to see a human moaning on their hands and knees....  They think they're superior walking around just on their back legs.  When they have to get down and walk properly they can't cope. 

But then Mum said "house arrest" and shut the door. 

House arrest, for me!!!! That's just not right.  

And the humans really meant it.  

Mr Woof says he needs to go out for a wee and they just let him out, but they hold on to me, so I can't get out as well. I say I need to go out for a wee, and Mum says to use my litter tray.

Dumb dog says he wants to go out for some sunshine and Mum just lets him go.  I say I need some fresh air and sunshine, and Mum shoves me through the cat door into my fortress.  It's actually really nice out in my fortress, and no-one bothers me there, no humans, dogs, mina birds, it's all my own space, and I've got cat grass and cat mint, and jingle balls and a scratching post and.... What was I saying.  Yes, of all the indignities, just shoved into my fortress when I wanted to go outside!

Thursday, 29 August, 2013

The Daily Muck got the story of my conviction.  Of course they did. Gutter press, they're into everything.  I bet they wouldn't carry on if one of the human candidates was under house arrest for a little murder and breach of the "no corpses in the house" rule.

Sometimes I think there may be an informant in my own household, I just have to find out who....

Fang Budgie keeps calling me a "twit", which is really annoying. Budgie Towers is outside on the patio, I can see it from my fortress, but can't get to it, so it's really hard to intimidate her into shutting up.

I made a dash for freedom today.  Mr 19 was coming in with his uni bag and stuff, so I darted out as he opened the door.  I hid in the garden, and watched the humans.  They pretended they weren't desperately searching for me, but I know they were.  I'm the only thing they ever think about.

Then I was betrayed by stinky fish.

Mum put it in my bowl.  

I can't stay outside if I can smell stinky fish.

Once I was inside, the door was shut behind me again. 

Friday, 30 August, 2013

The election is a week from tomorrow, and I'm the only Prime Minispurrial Candidate under house arrest!  Mr Abbott and Mr Rudd are out there campaigning, and I'm stuck inside.

OK Mr Assange is stuck in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, but he's only running for the Senate.  Even Mr Katter and Mr Palmer are getting more campaigning done than me.

I made up my mind this morning that I had to escape no matter what.

I timed my move perfectly, as Mr Woof was being let out for his morning wee, I darted out from under the coffee table, gracefully lept over the dog, touched down on the patio tiles and immediately made another leap into the garden.

Then I heard the humans who live in the roof come down. The small ones always want to play with me.

So I had to hide.

Thankfully, Mum opened the door and let me dart inside to safety.... wait... what? 

I bet Mr Rudd and Mr Abbott never have this problem.

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