Tuesday, 26 November 2013

The Feline Code

3. If the cat wants the middle of the bed,
the human must sleep on the edge.
The Obligations of Humans

  1. Provide fresh Friskies, stinky fish and water.
  2. Provide treats whenever the cat demands.
  3. If the cat wants the middle of the bed, the human must sleep on the edge.
  4. Never disturb a sleeping cat.
  5. If a cat puts his paws over his eyes, he's invisible. You can't see him, and you can't call him a "bad cat."
  6. You clean his litter tray. He doesn't clean your toilet. This tells you all you need to know about the cat-human relationship.
  7. A cat who wakes you up in the middle of the night because he wants attention, should be stroked, cuddled and showered in praise.
  8. Throwing a jingle ball for a cat to chase is a fulfilling and important use of a human's time.
  9. If the cat decides it is dinner time two hours before the normal dinner time - it's dinner time.
  10. When the cat wants brushies, it's non-negotiable.
  11. The dog is a sub-feline species.  It should never be favoured above the cat.
  12. The human is a sub-feline species. It should always serve the cat's needs.
  13. Emptying the bin is the cat's right. The human is honoured to be allowed to clean up the mess.
  14. Humans who do not like cats are not to be invited to visit the cat's house.

The Obligations of Cats

  1. Do whatever you want.
  2. Do it wherever you want.
  3. Do it whenever you want.
  4. Do it for whatever reason you want.

Monday, 25 November 2013


Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,
Tiger visited, and he was using my
cat box! - Mr Bumpy.

As you know, I am a very popular cat.  So you won't be surprised to know that I had a couple of sets of visitors last week.

The first set of visitors was Miss 22 and her husband, and of course they brought baby Joey.  Worse than that, they brought Tiger. He was in my cat box!

Mum said the humans wanted Tiger and me to meet, because next year, Tiger's moving next door and they don't want us fighting.

I had a close look and sniff at the cat box. It was definitely mine.  Mum said I didn't like using the cat box anyway, and unless both cats were going somewhere at the same time, there was no sense in Tiger having his own.

Well, of course, that was all too much for me.  I went out and sat on the patio all by myself all afternoon.  Tiger hid under Joey's fortress.

After a while I came in, and Tiger and I had a bit of a hiss at each other.  The humans laughed. Mum said my tail was bristled like a toilet brush.

I went back out to the patio to straighten out my tail. Tiger went back under Joey's fortress.  Mr Woof barked a bit trying to get to meet Tiger, but that's it.

Eventually the humans put Tiger back in my cat box and the visitors all went away.

I think I proved my point.

One of the small humans drew
a picture of me. - Mr Bumpy.
And your point was? - Mr Woof.

My point was .... smelly old dogs should mind their own business, that's what.

I only had overnight to recover, though.  Because there were more visitors the next day.

The smallish humans who live in the roof were visiting.

Mum got them to draw on baubles for Christmas decorations.

One of them drew a picture of me.

Maybe those smallish humans are OK after all. I still haven't really decided. Apparently they like me lots, even though they sometimes try to catch me, instead of waiting for me to come to them.

I don't want them to pick me up and cuddle me yet.  I like to be really sure of a human before I have a cuddle with them.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

What We're Doing Today

Mr Woof's To Do List:
7. Go outside and sleep in the sun.

  1. Wake up.
  2. Scratch.
  3. Go out for a bathroom break.
  4. Eat Weetbix and save some in beard for later.
  5. Go back to sleep.
  6. Wake up.
  7. Go outside and sleep in the sun.
  8. Come back inside.
  9. Ask to be lifted up on to the couch.
  10. Sleep on couch until dinner time.
  11. Go out for a bathroom break and randomly bark at the neighbourhood.
  12. Come in and bark at Mum for dinner. Bumps will help with the pleading and demanding.
  13. Wait patiently until Bumps has looked at my dinner and decided he doesn't want it and won't bother to hurt me for it.
  14. Gobble dinner.
  15. Sleep in front of the television.
  16. Go to bed. Sleep.

Mr Bumpy's To Do List:
19. If I find prey, attempt to bring it into the house without the humans seeing me.

  1. Wake up.
  2. Stroke Mum's hair (with claws extended) until Mum wakes up. 
  3. Demand Friskies.
  4. If Mum is too slow, bite her and tell her I'm going to eat her if she doesn't feed me immediately.
  5. Eat Friskies.
  6. Eat more Friskies.
  7. Puke from over-eating.
  8. Have a post-breakfast nap.
  9. Go out to the patio. Sit on the chair next to Budgie Towers and stare at the budgies in an intimidating manner.
  10. Find a spot in the sunshine. Have a mid-morning nap.
  11. Find Mr 19 and demand brushies.
  12. Have a late-morning nap.
  13. Plot world domination.
  14. Find a jingle ball. Take it to a human and demand it be thrown repeatedly for jingle ball chasing.
  15. Jump into one of the humans' beds. Have a mid-day nap.
  16. Wake up, move to Mr Woof's bed. Have an early afternoon.
  17. Scratch Mr Woof when he comes looking for his bed.
  18. Explore the garden, search for mice or lizards to hunt.
  19. If I find prey, attempt to bring it into the house without the humans seeing me.
  20. Some Official Feline Secrets.
  21. Have a mid-afternoon nap.
  22. Ask Mr 19 to put treats in my fortress.  
  23. Observe the neighbourhood from my fortress while eating treats and contemplating having all humans trained to obey me the way the humans who live in my home do.
  24. Chew on some of my cat grass contemplatively.
  25. Have a late afternoon nap on the furry blankey.
  26. Find Mr 19 and walk all over his computer while he's working on it.
  27. Find Mum and walk all over her computer while she's working on it.
  28. Have a pre-dinner nap (preferably on a human, in the position most inconvenient for the human).
  29. Get under Mum's feet and try to trip her over.
  30. Join Mr Woof in explaining the time and demanding my stinky fish.
  31. Investigate Mr Woof's smelly old dog food then decide my stinky fish is much better. Eat stinky fish.
  32. Walk all over the humans while they're watching television. Demand that they give me more attention than the news.
  33. Have an after dinner nap.
  34. Sneak out just before lock up time.
  35. Some more Official Feline Secrets.
  36. Ignore Mum when she calls me to come in.
  37. Stay out past lock up time.
  38. Once I'm sure Mum's asleep, scratch at her bedroom window.
  39. When Mum opens the window, leap from the window ledge to her shoulder, to the bed.  
  40. Sleep in the very middle of Mum's bed.

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Baby Blues

"Why can't I share Joey's things?"
- Mr Bumpy.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

My Caturday was interrupted yesterday by baby Joey coming to visit.

Caturday should be all about me.  Actually everything should be all about me. Instead, Mum spent the afternoon fussing over Joey.

They had songs and stories and games with toys.  I said, "I have toys, you could throw my jingle ball for me." But Mum just made Joey's crocodile and turtle dance to nursery rhymes for her.

And I got told I can't use Joey's things. It's my house, and all these things are in it, but Mum says no, I can't use anything that's for Joey.  That's not fair at all.  If Joey wanted to share my Friskies I'd let her, as long as I got to eat first.

Then, when Mum put Joey in her fortress to give Mr Woof and me our dinner, I found out, Joey was going to stay all night.  Mum called it a "sleep over".  I called it an "imposition". A very, very small human was staying in my home, all night, and no-one even asked me if I approved.

Mum said she would leave the animal door open later so Mr Woof and I wouldn't keep asking to go out.

So I went out, all right.

It wasn't long before Mum was calling me back inside.  She heard a very loud cat fight, and for some reason assumed I was involved.

Of course, I wasn't.  I can't imagine why she thought I would lower myself to being involved in a neighbourhood cat fight.

Er, because she knows you, Bumps? - Mr Woof.

Anyway, I came in to reassure her I was fine, and curled up on the end of the couch, beside her.  I stayed right beside her then until today, when Miss 22 and her husband came and took Joey away.

Saturday, 9 November 2013

Why God Invented Humans

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,
"I look at humans and I wonder:
what was God thinking?" - Mr Bumpy.

I have been pondering one of the great imponderables of history, theology, metaphysics, of the why of why.

The question I have been pondering is this:  after the perfection of the cat, why did God go on to invent something so utterly pointless as the human?

Humans only walk on two of their four legs, so they're constantly off balance. Their teeth and claws are useless for attack or defence, and no help for survival at all. Their fur only grows in a very small area and is no use at all for insulation against the weather. They're big, but their size doesn't give them any advantage in speed or agility. All in all, humans are a total failure in the area of design.

I look at humans, and I wonder: what was God thinking?

So here's my theological and anthropological reflection on why God made humans:

  • to open cans of stinky fish for cats
  • to be beds, pillows, seats for cats
  • to brush cats
  • to pour cream for cats
  • to throw jingle balls for cats
  • to open and pour Friskies for cats
  • to open doors for cats
  • to provide entertainment for cats
  • to be companions for cats
  • to give cuddles to cats when we're in a cuddly mood
  • to scratch cats behind the ears
  • to change litter trays for cats
  • to grow catnip for cats
  • to do anything else cats require of them.
In other words, God invented humans, inferior species that they are, to be servants for the far more superior cats.

I'm so glad I've solved that age-old puzzle.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Sunday, 3 November 2013

A Bump in the Night

Mum: Bumpy!

Mr Bumpy:  Go away I'm sleeping.

Mum: Bumpy!

Bumpy: It's in the Feline Code, "Never disturb a sleeping cat!"

Mum: Apart from waking me up five times because you wanted cuddles, what else did you do last night?

Mr Bumpy: Go away.  I'm invisible. You can't see me.

Mum: Come here and explain this.

Mr Bumpy: I'm shocked! Mr Woof is such a bad dog!

Mr Woof: Who me? What did I do?

Mum: Bumpy, this shoe thing of yours is getting out of hand.

Mr Bumpy: Well, you leave shoes out on the floor and the shoe shelf, where any passing cat could get them. What do you expect?

Saturday, 2 November 2013

Further Investigation on the New Thing

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,
"I thought I'd get away with investigating
Joey's fortress." - Mr Bumpy.

You might remember my post about the new thing Miss 22 and her husband brought to our house. I was trying to work out what it was.

One of my readers told me it probably had another name, not just "Grandma's Girl".  So I've been listening each time it comes here, and another thing the humans call it is "Joey".

That explains why I couldn't work out what it was.  I hadn't even thought it might be a baby kangaroo!

Er, Bumps, it's a very small human. - Mr Woof.

How would you know?

It smells like a human and it tastes like a human. - Mr Woof.

Tastes? Did you have a bite of it?

Of course not. That would be bad manners.  I gave it a little lick on the toe when I introduced myself.  It's a small, female, human.  That's called a girl.  And it's named Joey.  And she's quite happy to have her toes licked. - Mr Woof.

"Mum caught me!" - Mr Bumpy.
Well, I never would have thought of tasting it! That old dog's got skills, after all. Definitely tastes human, huh? Fancy naming a small human after a kangaroo.

I did try investigating Joey's fortress. Mum caught me in there and I was in trouble.

What's wrong we me checking out her fortress?

OK, I don't like humans going into my fortress, even though they have to when they change my litter tray. But that's my fortress.  I don't see what's wrong with me checking Joey's fortress. Cats are supposed to be able to go anywhere we want and do anything we want.  It's in the Feline Code.

Humans are supposed to let cats go anywhere we want and do anything we want.  That's in the Feline Code as well.  It's a pity my humans don't seem to read the code at all. Mum has no right to tell me I can't investigate Joey's fortress.
"I don't know what that is supposed
to teach me." - Mr Bumpy.

After my little investigation, the humans did something really strange.

The smallish humans who live in the roof came down and helped Mum and Mr 19 blow air into
these floppy things.  The floppy things got big and round.  Then they put the big round things into Joey's fortress, and said: "That will teach Bumpy."

I had a bit of a look, but I can't work out what it's supposed to teach me.

I'll have a closer investigation when there's no humans around. After all, they don't seem to like me going into Joey's fortress. So I'll do it when they're not looking. What they don't see won't hurt anyone, will it?

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord.