Monday, 26 January 2015

The War on Cane Toads

Go, brave humans, we're right behind you.
Who am I kidding?
We'll sit this one out.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Miss 22 came in with some terrible news yesterday. (Actually, let's start calling her by her initial, she's getting a bit old to be referred to by age.) Miss C came down with terrible news yesterday.  She had seen five cane toads in our back yard!

Mum and Mr 20. Er, Mum and Mr D were horrified by the news. Actually, Fanta and I had known about the problem, but kept it quiet in case it meant we would be confined to quarters.

Cane toads (for those of you overseas who have never met one of these hideous creatures) are among the most evil creatures on the planet.  Their skin is poisonous, and can kill any household or native animal that dares to have a taste. They can spray poison from a great distance, and can kill you with their evil stare.  They poison water holes, and intimidate innocent animals. Fences don't keep them out, because they turn themselves into toxic ooze and pour through the tiniest gaps.

Toads were introduced to eat the cane beetles in Queensland sugar cane farms.  The toads weren't interested in cane beetles, or in staying on the cane farms, and have spread all over the state and started encroaching on other states, in a terrible invasion.

Well, my humans were willing to let someone else deal with the toads encroaching on the rest of Australia.  But our yard is meant to be a safe place for us, and for baby Joey, to play. Toads invading our yard means only one thing: war!

Mum and Mr D began to plan strategy.

They discussed all the "traditional" toad eradication methods: golf clubs, spraying Dettol on them, driving the car over them.  When Mr D suggested the whipper snipper, Mum turned a shade of green I've never seen on any human before.

Then Mum checked the RSPCA's website. Yes, cane toads are so evil that even the RSPCA wants them exterminated. The RSPCA used to recommend catching cane toads, putting them in plastic bags and putting them in the freezer.  They stopped recommending that when they discovered that hypothermia wasn't a painless death after all, but rather a kind of toad torture.  Mum says she'd never put toads in the freezer with her food, anyway.

The website recommended three styles of toad execution.

One was to stun and decapitate them.  Mum turned green again.

Another was prolonged exposure to carbon dioxide - that didn't seem practical.

So, it has to be the third method, a product called "Hopstop", to be sprayed on each individual toad.

Today is Australia Day, and Mum and Mr D plan to celebrate with that most Australian of all traditions - killing cane toads.  The plan is to buy some "Hopstop" and go and spray cane toads. Then, with a bucket and the pooper scooper, to do the corpse retrieval and the doggy poo clean up all at once.

Of course, like the invasion of Afghanistan or the Gulf War, the war on cane toads won't be over in a day.  All they need is water and a single female toad can lay something like a million eggs. (Oh, 30,000 eggs, well that's close to a million.)  That means almost a million more toads the next day.  This war could go on for the entire wet season.

Go, valiant humans, fight the good fight, for glory, for the love of your family and animals, for the knowledge that you are protecting Australia! Fanta and I are right behind you.  Who am I kidding? We'll sit this one out. Let us know when the yard's safe again.

Enjoy your Australia Day.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord.


  1. OMG Bumpy! Good luck to yer Mum and Mr D and you stay away from those toads AND the HopStop!

  2. And they are ugly !!! Go, brave humans, we're behind you too, and mostly far away from those evil creatures ! Stay safe, furry friends ! Purrs


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