Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Mr Bumpy Demonstrates: How to ignore humans

Mr Bumpy launches his own YouTube Channel, with a demonstration of how to ignore a human, while ensuring the human can't ignore you.

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Mr Bumpy, Feline Detective

Image: Miss Fantasia Dog and Mr Bumpy Cat on Mum's bed.
Inspecting the scene of the crime.
Fanta: What are you doing, Bumpy?

Bumpy:  I'm investigating a serious crime.

Fanta: Are you a detective, Bumpy?

Bumpy:  Why yes, I am.  This isn't the first crime I've investigated.

Fanta: Can I help?

Bumpy: Yes. You can be my dumb sidekick.

Fanta: What's a dumb sidekick?

Bumpy: Every great detective has one.  Holmes has Watson.  Pirot has Hastings.

Fanta: What does a dumb sidekick do?

Bumpy: Has everything explained to him so the people watching the tv show know how clever the detective is.

Fanta: Oh.  So what are we investigating?

Bumpy:  Mum was seriously assaulted last night, while she was asleep.

Fanta:  What?  I didn't know that!

Bumpy:  Didn't you hear her squeal?

Fanta: Yes, but I thought she was having a bad dream.  I sometimes have bad dreams, you know.

Bumpy:  No.  She woke up to find she was soaking wet, and so was the bed.

Fanta: No! How did that happen?

Bumpy:  It was the work of a criminal mastermind I call Megadrool Dog.  I've been trying to catch Megadrool Dog for months now.

Fanta: You mean this isn't the first time it's happened?

Bumpy: Far from it.

Fanta: I didn't know.

Bumpy:  Well, you're only young, and you're a dog, and you're a dumb sidekick.  You don't know much.  But Megadrool Dog (whoever that really is) has been sneaking in here and drooling all over Mum while she sleeps.

Fanta: Oh, that's awful.  Poor Mum. How is Megadrool Dog getting in?

Bumpy:  Through our door.  I know that because, this never happened before you came here and there was only a tiny door for me.  But now there's a door big enough for a dog your size, well, Megadrool Dog is getting in that way.

Fanta:  But Mum and Mr D lock our door during the night!

Bumpy:  Did I mention that Megadrool Dog is a criminal mastermind. He, or even she, has a way of breaking in through our door.

Fanta:  And how does Megadrool Dog get into our back yard to come through our door?  The fence is so high.  You can get over it because you're a cat, but a dog can't jump that high.

Bumpy:  We are dealing with a very clever criminal mastermind here.  Megadrool Dog seems to be able to get our locked gate open the same way as he or she gets our locked door open.  Either that, or,  (whispers) he or she has a collaborator on the inside.

Fanta: An inside job!

Bumpy: Shhhhh!!!!!

Fanta: Surely not!  I couldn't believe that.

Bumpy: I don't want to believe it of our humans either.  And I know it couldn't be Mr D because he's the best human in the world.

Fanta: How do you know Megadrool Dog is a dog anyway?

Bumpy: Elementary, my dear Fantasia.  The amount of drool was way too much for anyone my size.  It had to be someone at least as big as you to produce that amount of saliva.  Hence, Megadrool Dog is definitely a dog.

Fanta: So how do we catch this evil criminal mastermind?

Bumpy:  Well he or she got away this time, but I have a plan.

Fanta: Is it a very clever plan?

Bumpy:  It's better than clever.  It's a cunning plan.

Fanta: What is this cunning plan?

Bumpy: From now on we, by which I mean, you, will sleep right on top of Mum of a night time.  That way when Megadrool Dog comes in to drool over her, you will get drooled on instead.  You will wake up immediately and subdue the villain, and call me in time for me to get credit.  I would do it myself, but you know, dog drool would ruin my hairstyle.

Fanta:  OK.  I'll sleep on Mum and keep her completely safe from Megadrool Dog.  Great plan, Bumpy.  You really are a fantastic detective.

Monday, 24 August 2015

Mr Bumpy's List of Potential Uses for a Dog

Image: Mr Bumpy Cat sleeping on top of Miss Fanta Dog.
1. A warm cat bed.

  1. A warm cat bed.
  2. To reach food left on cabinets, and knock it down for the cat.
  3. To force open the food cupboard door.
  4. To distract humans while the cat steals treats.
  5. To entertain humans when the cat can't be bothered.
  6. A mobile scratching post.
  7. Food bowl cleaner.
  8. Someone to blame.
  9. To chase off the mean neighbour cat when it sneaks into my yard.
  10. For pouncing practice.
  11. The tail makes a great chasing toy.

Sunday, 9 August 2015

Bad Human!

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,
And this doggy sister went wee
wee wee wee, in Mum's

I've told you before that Mum is a Bad Human.

This time, even she thinks she is. She even went mad at herself.

You see, sometimes her lupus makes her have a thing called "brain fog".  It means she doesn't think properly.  Sometimes, Fanta and I can use that to our advantage and trick her into thinking she hasn't given us our dinner, and make her give us another one.  (Although now Mr D does most of our feeding, and he never forgets if he's fed us.)

Anyway, tonight, Mum was about to go to bed, when she found a puddle in her room.  Fanta had weed in there.  Mum got mad at Fanta, and said Fanta was supposed to say when she needed to go out.

Of course Fanta cried because she got into trouble.

Then Mum remembered Fanta had tried to tell her something earlier.

Fanta was climbing on her and I was biting her earlier.  Mum had thought we were trying to trick her into giving us a second dinner, and she told us to go away.  (I really wanted a second dinner, too.)

She didn't stop to think Fanta might be trying to tell her something else. She didn't think "the back door's locked for the night and Fanta can't get out the doggy door if she needs to go."

She didn't stop to think, "Fanta's a great big dog with a fat behind who couldn't get into a litter tray, even if she was smart enough to know how to use one."

Oh no, she just thought if we were both jumping on her at the same time, we both wanted the same thing.

So when Mum realised that she was mad at herself. Then she was upset because she got mad at herself.

Now Mum and Fanta are both upset and trying to comfort each other and clean up, and no-one's paying any attention to anything I might be attempting, which is just great.

Now, I can see why this animal food cupboard door is childproof, and even why it might be dogproof.  But why is it catproof? I've seen both Mum and Mr D do this, so I know it can be done.  I just can't seem to get a grip.  Maybe it's one of those opposable thumb things.  There must be another way.  

Oh, are you still here?  Well, move along, then. Nothing to see here.  (Unless you go laugh at Mum and Fanta.)  It's just an innocent cat in the kitchen, innocently minding his own business. All perfectly innocent.  Did I say "innocent"?  Innocent.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord,
Owner of a Very Bad Human.