Monday, 28 December 2015

Percy's Opinion

Image, Percy sitting on cat tower, next to aluminium bowl full of dry food.
"Oh, this food dish does
appear to be silver.  That's
all right, then."
To Whom It May Concern,

I have a number of complaints about my accommodation, the other residents and especially the servants.

To begin with the accommodation:  as you know, I had managed to get away from this place to live in a nice stormwater drain for some time.  I enjoyed the noble pursuits of hunting and fishing, and found my servants here had the decency to put food out for me. But eventually I was captured and imprisoned in this place.

I am not allowed out.  I keep hearing talk of ongoing work "catproofing" the yard so that even if I manage to get out of the actual house I will not be able to get further.

This is not a home, it is a prison.  I am being held against my will. While this food dish does appear to be silver, very little else is up to my high standards. Food is only served at certain times, and I am summoned to eat by a bell.  (Surely I should ring the bell and demand my food when I am ready.)

Now for my fellow residents: there are two. There is Fanta Dog and Bumpy Cat.

Fanta is overly friendly and fawns over me all the time.  She is also large and clumsy and accidentally sat on me. For the most part she is harmless, but such sycophants can be very draining. She is also incredibly enthusiastic about absolutely everything, so much so that I have come to believe that she may be a little mentally deficient. Of course noblesse oblige requires that I do treat her with some care, and I certainly do her no harm.

Bumpy is a completely different matter.  He is simply insane and dangerously so.  This plebeian believes himself to be master of the entire household, possibly the world.  He calls himself the Supreme Feline Overlord, and insists that everything must be done his way.  I can't imagine how anyone could become so deluded. He attacks both myself and Fanta for any imagined slight or simply because he has an inclination to do so.  I have warned him that I am younger, larger and stronger than him and that I am a master of both feline boxing and claw duelling.  I have told him that if he continues to try my patience I may find it necessary to defend myself.  So far most of his attacks have simply left him holding my shed hair as I have calmly walked away.

Now I must come to the worst of this entire situation: the servants.  One does have hopes for a far better class of servant than this. The two main servants are Mum and Mr D, although others do visit from time to time. Mum and Mr D manage the basics of food delivery and litter tray changes to an adequate fashion (although I have already mentioned the issue with food not being delivered whenever I request it.)

They have a constant fascination with my hair. Yes, I do have exquisite hair, but they seem more concerned with how much I shed. They continually brush my hair.  I understand that both Bumpy and Fanta enjoy being brushed, however I do not. I will not stay still for it, and I object most strongly. Worse, the servants have found mats in my hair they cannot brush out, and have cut my beautiful hair to remove them! I have heard their discussions on dealing with my mats and with my shedding.  Mr D has suggested using clippers to give me a "poodle cut".  Mum has suggested vacuuming me.

Worse, as I have a small spot of food on my head that brushing has failed to remove, and that I have not cleaned off for myself, they are now talking of bathing me again. (What kind of plebeian do they think I am?  Clean myself indeed!)

I was bathed when I came back from my adventures, and I did not like it. I did not want it. I did not cooperate with it in any way.  In fact, I managed to escape from the bath with my tail still partly dirty. My tail is still partly dirty, which is another reason Mum believes bathing me would be a good idea.

My humans are so poorly trained that one day Mum gave me an "unfood" item.  She was clearly cutting up food on the bench, so I stood up on my back legs and asked very politely if I might have some of that food.  She said, "It's tomato Percy, you don't want it."  I explained in no uncertain terms that I definitely did want it.  I absolutely wanted whatever food she was preparing.  I told her loud and long of how I had a right to be given whatever food I wanted whenever I wanted it.  Eventually, she gave me a piece.  I smelled it and licked it.  It was not food.  It was "unfood".  I demanded to know why Mum had given me an "unfood".  Her ridiculous response was: "I told you so."

So, as you can see, my living conditions are nowhere near appropriate for a member of the aristocracy, and I expect the matter to be addressed with all possible haste.

Yours sincerely,
Sir Percival Yowling-Feline

4 comments:

  1. So did you like your neighbor's goldfish better than the food you get at your place? Your living conditions sound really bad, though we're seriously wondering why a stormwater drain is any better? Wasn't it wet there??

    Maybe you could go out with a leash? We know, it's totally embarrassing and undignified, but better than staying inside?

    ... and then, we wonder: can a garden possibly become catproof????

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    Replies
    1. This is "Mum" here.

      Catproofing the yard is being done in many stages. So far we've had failing parts of the fence replaced so we have a two metre high metal fence the whole way around the yard. We've added things called Thorny Devil capping to the fence to put spikes on the top so it can't be climbed. Next stage will be to fill any gaps and holes in the fence. The final stage will be to prune trees that are too close to the fence and put other barriers in place where that's not practical so the cats can't use trees to get over the fence. It's a very long process, we're doing bits as we can afford them.

      Delete
  2. Dear Percy (we know you're "Sir Percival", but Percy sounds better to us), you should think twice before complaining about Bumpy : despite you think he's insane, he's a very wise cat. He has more experience in training humans than you, especially these ones, and he knows how to sneak out ; he ran the Feline Pawty and his World Domination Plan has very interesting points. You should rather make him an ally, as he did with Fanta. Your energy combined to his wisdom and his experience would be powerful ! Purrs

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  3. Percy, trust us...you might not like your living situation now, but it's way better thank living in a drain. You're gonna come to appreciate these things.

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