Thursday, 7 April 2016

Mr Bumpy's Version of Certain Events

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Today, I am outraged!  Who has done this terrible thing? Not the government, not big corporations, not even the dog.  It was Mum!

On her blog today, Mum wrote a post that made out I was old, and that I had tripped her over twice.  It also made out that I was a bad cat, but we all know that's what makes me awesome. All and all it was a terrible post, and you really should not ever read The Cat, the Mat, and the Lupie.

Don't read her nonsense.  Let me tell you my side of the story.

Firstly, ever since Percy did his disappearing act, the humans have been treating me most cruelly.  They have been keeping me shut inside the house.  I understand why they keep Percy in, but that's no excuse to punish me.

I wasn't the one who decided to live in a stormwater drain across the road instead of in our house.

So they don't just keep the door to outside shut, they also keep the door to the door outside shut.

On Wednesday, Mum didn't shut the door behind her when she went to the laundry. So I simply followed her.  When she went outside to hang out the washing, I simply continued to follow her.  I wasn't "escaping" there'd been no barrier stopping me.  The doors were both open.

When she tried to catch me, I wasn't running away. I was just running, enjoying the space in our back yard. (The yard, I might add, that she keeps promising to "catproof" so that Percy and I can go out there without being able to get on to the road or other dangerous places.)

Mum called Mr D, who came out. I was happy to have my favourite human come out to play.  I darted up a tree and invited him to follow.  He didn't.  He went back inside.

When Mum tells the story she mentions that I'm fast despite getting old.  I am not old.  I am a cat in the prime of my life.  I am also very fast, to fast for any human getting around on only two legs to catch me.

Later I came to the front door and waited patiently for a human to let me in.

This is where the story gets weird.  Mum opened the door and bent down calling to me.  I started to walk in and stopped, wondering what would happen if that giant lump of human were to fall on me.  I was not, as Mum claims, planning to turn around and run away.

The next thing I knew I was tackled, and that giant lump of a human did fall on me.  The human, the doormat and I were all tangled up, and Mum was hanging on, not letting me go and straighten up my hair which had been messed up.

Eventually, Mum got the door shut, and let me go, so I could start to rearrange my beautiful hair.  (Oh, do you know the secret to beautiful, soft, shiny hair?  It's cat saliva.  Only product I ever use.)

Then Mum did the first sensible thing I'd seen her do.  She got up on four legs. But one of her paws was on the mat and it slid and she went splat.  No wonder humans are so ungainly.  They can't even manage standing on four feet, and they keep trying to get around on two.

After a bit she did get back up on four feet, then quite foolishly went further and got up on two feet.

When she finally opened the door to the lounge room, of course I darted past her to get to my food.  Of course, she was only standing on two feet, and humans fall very easily.

So whatever terrible, defamatory, things Mum said about me in her blog, don't believe her.

I am still the most awesome cat in the world, and she should know it.  I help her out all the time.  I've supervised her sewing, and just lately I've been helping her sort and file some really old bits of paper for the church.  (Why humans need bits of paper, I don't know. It's another one of their quirks.)

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
I was outraged!

Mr Bumpy Cat,
Unfairly maligned, but totally decent,
Supreme Feline Overlord.


  1. What an adventure ! Your poor mom went splat, but you could have been flat also when she fell on you. Keep away from humans legs, Bumpy, it's safer ! Purrs

  2. And we hope you'll be allowed in your garden again very soon. Purrs


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