Saturday, 22 April 2017

But ... How?

"I don't know how it happened." - Miss Fantasia.
Hello Everyone!

I don't know how it happened.

Mum was throwing the fuzzy green squeaky bone toy, and I was chasing it. We were having lots of fun zooming up and down the hallway with it.

And then, suddenly, my fuzzy green squeaky bone toy exploded!  It really did.

Now instead of my toy, I've got bits.  Lots of bits.

There's bits all over the carpet.
"We need to clean all the bits up." - Miss Fantasia.

Now Mum says we need to clean all the bits up and throw them out.

But that means throwing out my toy.  And it's a good toy, or it was, until it exploded.

Why do things do this?

How will I cope without my fuzzy green squeaky bone toy?  (Oh Mum says I should play with one of my seventy billion other toys.)

Not only have I lost a great toy, but Bumpy is being mean and laughing at me over it.

"Bumpy's being mean and laughing about it." -
Miss Fantasia.
I mean, I know his jingle balls tend to break when humans stand on them, but this isn't a dumb old jingle ball, it's one of my toys!

This is just terrible.

Mum says she's sure she can't fix it.

I don't know how I'll cope with this loss.

Oh, squeaky duck?  Mum's going to throw the squeaky duck? Oh!

Sorry, got to go, I've got a squeaky duck to chase.

Good bye for now,
Licks and Tail Wags
Miss Fantasia Dog.
(Call me Fanta.)

Squeaky duck! I'm coming to get you!

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Fanta Loves Cuddles

Fanta: Cuddles!

Mum: I should go get breakfast.

Fanta: Cuddles!

Mum: It's getting on to time for us to water the vege garden.

Fanta: Cuddles!

Mum: Are we going to sit here all day?

Fanta: Cuddles!

Mum: You're in a very clingy mood today.

Fanta: Cuddles!

Mum: Can we at least turn on the TV while we're here?

Fanta: Cuddles!

Mum: Want to play fetch?  Get one of your toys?

Fanta: Cuddles!

Thursday, 13 April 2017

Still Not Your Business

"Still not your business. Go away." - Mr Bumpy.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

It's true that I've been hanging around home yesterday and today, and not going very far at all.

The humans have even commented that I seem to be underfoot.  Well, their big clumsy feet shouldn't be over me.

While Mum has suggested that something may have happened to frighten me on my night out, I'm not saying anything.

Mr D says it's just because I missed my wet food when I didn't come for dinner.

They can speculate all they like.  You can too, if you want.  It doesn't matter.  This little kitty's mouth is firmly shut. I'm not telling you what I did, where I went, or whether or not I was with anyone. Nothing happened. No-one saw. You have no proof.

I went out and stayed out late because I wanted to.

I'm hanging around home and being "clingy" with the humans now because I want to.

That's it.

Nothing to see here, move along.

It's still none of your business. Go away.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

The Paw of Justice
(Wait, no that's not me.  I don't have a secret superhero identity.  Don't tell anyone I said that. That's someone else entirely. You're imagining things.)

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

None of Your Business

"Go away. Can't you see I'm having my
all-important 47th nap of the day." -
Mr Bumpy.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I'm led to believe the humans were worried about me last night, and a little angry at me this morning.

What can I say? I don't care.  I am the Supreme Feline Overlord, and everyone else can just deal with it.

So I chose to stay out last night after lock-up time. I was doing something.  It's none of your business what I was doing.

Yes, I heard the humans calling and calling.  It didn't matter.  I know the one-way cat door will always let me in later.

I might have missed dinner, but I didn't feel like wet food, and there's always dry food available.

So I stayed out as late as I liked, doing what I liked, and I came in when I liked.

Then I puked on the couch, woke Mum up and insisted she lie on her back so I could rest in the sphinx position on top of her with my rump under her chin.  Of course, I demanded she stroke me exactly five times.  (More or less and I would have bitten her.)

Mum suggested I was a little old for this kind of behaviour, which is just plain ridiculous. I'm in the prime of my life.  I'm not going to be contained by "catproofing" on the fences, and I'm not going to be constrained by any of the humans' silly "rules".

Fanta and Percy claim to have had a more pleasant evening with me gone.  Maybe I should stay home, and make sure they don't forget who is boss.

Anyway, I am going to have my all-important 47th nap of the day now, so go away.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

A Good Day

"The harness means I'm going somewhere!" - Fanta.
Hello Everyone,

I knew it was going to be a good day today, when Mum called me in from the back yard.  She was holding my harness!

The harness always means one thing: I'm going somewhere!

Guess where we went!  Go on!  Oh, it was so exciting!  We went to the doggy beauty parlour!  We really did.  We went in the car!  I love the car.  And I love all my friends at the beauty parlour.

They trimmed my nails and gave me a bath in nice smelly stuff that made my hair all soft.  And Mum got me to try a new perfume: lavender and chamomile.  It was so nice she bought me my very own bottle of it.

Lavender and chamomile are supposed to be very calming smells, but Mum said, "Fat chance."

Then I got to pick a toy, but I was so overwhelmed by all the sights and smells at the pet shop that I just couldn't, so Mr D picked one for me.

After another really great car ride home, I felt like playing with my new toy, and Mum threw it for me to chase! She really did.  It was so good chasing the toy, and it squeaks.

Then Mum remembered I was due for my worm tablet, and she tried to give it to me, and I spat it out.  She tried to give it to me again, and I spat it out again.  But I have a really good Mum.  She said I didn't have to take the tablet after all. Instead she gave me some meat and cheese, which I gobbled up so fast. So I even got out of having to take my tablet!

Oh, what a great, great day!

And now the lawnmower people are here, so we can find our plants after all the grass grew so high.

I hope you have a great, great day too,

Licks and tail wags,
Miss Fantasia Dog.
(Call me Fanta.)

Monday, 10 April 2017

Our House is Haunted

"Hold my paw while I tell you about it." - Fanta.
Hello Everybody,

I have something really, really scary to tell you.  Please, hold my paw while I tell you.

Mum and Mr D went out - Mum said something about salad vegetables.  None of us animals were particularly interested.

But while they were gone things happened.

One of the pillows on the bed we animals share with Mum spontaneously exploded! There was stuffing everywhere.

Not only that, but when Mum went to fix it at the sewing table later, we discovered that all of the threads in the overlocker were mixed up and tangled.  (Rethreading the overlocker is not Mum's favourite thing.)

"It feels much safer with Mum here again."
- Fanta.
She said to me, "Who did all of this?"

I didn't know.  I hadn't seen anything.

As far as I could tell, no-one had done these things.

The more I think about it, the more I can only think that maybe we have a ghost.

Ghosts are scary things, and I don't want to have one in my house.  I don't like to be scared.

But it feels quite safe with Mum and Mr D home again, so that is good.

I just wish they would stay home all the time.

If you know how to keep bad ghosts away from the house, please tell me.

Licks and tail wags,
Miss Fantasia Dog.
(Call me Fanta, all my friends do.)

Friday, 7 April 2017

Cool Morning

Usually everyone likes to go out in the sun for a while in the mornings.

But, it's a bit cool this morning,

so we're all staying in later,

just to keep warm a little longer.

Thursday, 6 April 2017

It's Autumn!

"I don't think I'll get out of bed just now" - Fanta.
Hello Everybody,

Autumn's arrived at last.  It was due last month, but summer just kept going and going. But since all the rain, it's started to cool down here.

The humans have turned off the air conditioner, and opened the windows, saying how nice it is.

I guess it's nice, but the mornings are just a tad too cool.

I think I'll stay in bed a while today.  Maybe until about half past Spring.

See you then.

Licks and tail wags, from under the blankets,
Miss Fantasia Dog.
(Call me Fanta)

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

A Very Frightening Incident

Hello Everybody,

Something very, very frightening, even terrifying, happened to me last night.

You might know that Mr Bumpy is a really horrible bully.  He bites my ears, and he attacks Percy.

The other day he had Percy cornered so that Percy couldn't get away, and I did the bravest thing.  I just ran straight between them, and while Bumpy was confused, Percy and I both got away.

But last night there was nowhere to get away to.

I was lying on the couch, minding my own business.  I'd rearranged the blankies so I was completely comfortable.

Then out of nowhere, Mr Bumpy appeared, and then just snuggled up beside me.

I was very frightened, because Bumpy's pretended to be my friend before, and then taken a big nasty bite of my ear.

(Mum has holes in her ears. She hangs shiny things in them sometimes. Do you think Bumpy bit her ears, too?)

I tried to get away.

But there was really nowhere to go except the cat towers. And I'm not very good at climbing those.

I couldn't back up because Bumpy was right there. I was stuck with nowhere to go, and Bumpy was starting to look like he might attack me, and I didn't know what to do.

Then Mum picked me up! She said "ouch" because she has arthritis, and I'm a little bit big, but she picked me up anyway because she loves me and she saw I was in trouble.  She put me on the floor so I could get away.

Mum said because it's autumn and the weather's getting cooler, Bumpy might actually have wanted to cuddle me to stay warm, but she understood why I didn't want to take the risk.

I'm very glad Mum loves me so much, and I'm safe now.  Oh, and Mum and Mr D are getting groceries today, so I might get a new toy, so that's good too.

Licks and tail wags,
Miss Fantasia Dog,
(Call me Fanta.)

Tuesday, 4 April 2017

Beyond Explanation

"Now stay in there!" - Fanta.
Hello Everybody,

Mum and Mr D just went out for a little while.

They came back with bags of things - but no new toys for me.  (Mum said I have to wait for grocery day for a new toy, but we can play with the toys I already have all over the house.)

Once the humans put the bags down, Mum went to the kitchen and called out: "Miss Fantasia Dog!"

She hardly ever uses my full name, so I went running to see what was wrong.

"Can you explain this?" She said it as she pointed to the floor.

I was amazed.  I couldn't explain it. There was rubbish all over the floor! The rubbish bin was on its side and empty.

The recycling bin had been good and stayed in its place nicely, but the rubbish bin had been very naughty indeed.

"I can't explain it," I said to Mum. "Rubbish bins never act like that when you're at home.  Maybe they think they can get away with it if you're not here.  They might be like those naughty pillows that spontaneously exploded while you were out before."

Mum picked up all the rubbish and put it back in the naughty bin.

I looked to make sure it was there, and said to the rubbish, "Now, stay in there!"

I hope it does as it's told.  Mum seemed very upset that the naughty bin had put rubbish everywhere.

Licks and tail wags,
Miss Fantasia Dog.
(Call me Fanta.)

Monday, 3 April 2017

Mr Bumpy's Rough Night

"I'm an utterly exhausted overlord." - Mr Bumpy.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I'm an utterly exhausted overlord this morning, and it's all Mum's fault. Well, Mum's and the furball's and the dumb dog's.

What did this terrible trio do to me you want to know?  Let me tell you.

I went to bed last night.

Mum, Fanta, and Percy were all in bed already and asleep.

Naturally I patted Mum's face with my paw until she woke up, so that she would know the most important animal had arrived.

Then I nudged her until she rolled on to her back, so I could get settled. I assumed the sphinx position on her middle, with my tail end tucked comfortably under her chin.

Mum said something like, "Seriously, Bumps?"

I snuggled down and tucked in my paws.

Then Mum did the unthinkable.  She stroked me when I didn't feel like being stroked!

Well, of course, I bit her.

She called me a jerk.

Well, you know I would never take that kind of disrespect, so I launched off her middle and jumped to the dressing table, where I started to knock her special human things on the floor. Hair brush - pawswipe - gone. Perfume - pawswipe - gone.  Pearl necklace - pawswipe - oh what!

Suddenly Mum picked me up, deposited me outside the room and closed the door firmly behind me.

So there I was, with absolutely nowhere to sleep for the night. Well, except for the couches, the floor, the spare bedroom, the fabric cut out on the sewing table...  But I was shut out of the bedroom, and I couldn't sleep on my bed.

Why? I ask you why would she do that?  Why would she shut me out, but leave Fanta and Percy sleeping peacefully in the bed?  I am being treated most unfairly.  It's ageism, just because I'm the oldest animal.  It's awesomeism, because I'm the most awesome animal. It's just ... just  ... just... It's completely unjust!  I am the victim of discrimination!

I am going to make a complaint about this to the highest authority.  Oh wait, I am the highest authority.  I'm the Supreme Feline Overlord.

I have to impose the punishment.  You just wait until you go out today, Mum.  When you get back there will be nothing on your dressing table, your sewing table, or your writing desk.  That will teach you a lesson.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Exhausted Supreme Feline Overlord.

Sunday, 2 April 2017

Let Me Explain A Couple of Things

"Let me explain a couple of things." - Mr Bumpy Cat.
Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I understand that in her dog-it-orial yesterday, Fanta may have suggested that I ought to have helped in the garden, because she and Percy had done so.

As you know, both my siblings are very young, the furball is a pretty pathetic excuse for a cat, and Fanta is just a dumb ... er. .. dog.

So for their benefit, and the benefit of anyone else is unclear as to the way things are, let me explain a few things.

  1.  I am the Supreme Feline Overlord.  No-one is to question my behaviour or motives, or to suggest I should dirty my paws with anything as offensive as "work".
  2. A garden is a place for humans to work.  It is a place for cats to nap in the sun, or occasionally stalk a bug or a leaf or twig, or to practise being a wild jungle cat.  It's a place for dogs to do whatever it is dogs, with their micro-minds, do in the garden.  It is not a place for animals to attempt to "help" humans.
  3. Humans exist to serve their feline superiors. They do not deserve our help, nor the noblesse oblige the furball thinks he should offer.  For them, it is a great honour to serve us, and attempting to assist them in their work degrades both them and us. (Oh, Mum, you may change the litter tray now.  No need to thank me. The honour is my gift to you.)
  4. Dogs exist for no known reason, but even they are higher in the social order than humans, and should not lower themselves to treat humans as equals.
  5. As for the dumb dog and the furball doing things together, and acting as if creatures from such different strata of society could even be friends, that is simply wrong.
I hope this has cleared up any confusion.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Fanta's Fantastic Gardening

Hello everyone,

After all the rain yesterday, today Mum said, "Fanta, let's go and do some gardening."

We had some baby seedlings that were ready to be planted out.  There were tomatoes, peas and watermelon seedlings.  I don't know why Mum doesn't grow chicken, or beef, or pork seedlings.  Those would grow much better food.

When we went outside, the grass had grown so high, I couldn't even find the plants we already had!

I'm absolutely sure we have a little orange tree planted around here somewhere, but I just can't find it now.

It was so hard to find any of the garden that I decided to pick some of the grass.  I often pick plants, but Mum says I should only pick herbs and other things that it's OK to eat.  She says I shouldn't pick weeds.

So I started picking the grass, but there was just too much.

There was so much grass everywhere, that even Percy decided to help.

But then Mum said, "It's all right. The lawnmower people will take care of that, we just need to plant our little fruit and vegetable seedlings."

So we stopped working on the grass.

Percy went to relax beside the swing set.

He looked very comfortable, and Mum seemed to have the planting under control, so I went to join him.

If you're wondering about Bumpy, Mum says he's allergic to work.  He just hears the word "work" and disappears.

I think we did a very good job today.  And Mum says Percy and I are the best gardening animals around.

See you again soon.
Licks and tail wags,
Miss Fantasia Dog,
(call me Fanta.)